July is here and it’s time for Blog Post #48. Summer on the west coast of Canada is amazing so of course I’m sitting inside working on this fantastic blog. My wife and I love to travel but we make a conscious effort to stay close to home this time of year. That’s not to say that we aren’t planning. Winter is coming and it will be here faster than you can say, “Oh My Odin. You’re still making GOT references after that mess went so off the rails?” I feel shame.

Travel Plans

My wife and I booked a trip to Japan for this fall and we’ve also booked a two-day trip to Dallas, Texas. It looks like another jaunt to Las Vegas could happen in the new year as well. I took this photo in Las Vegas in 2018. It was hot there.

The Day the Music Died

I’m taking a break from sharing music from my workout playlist. I’ve been told by reliable sources that it’s not all that popular. If I was going to share a song, it would have been Beyoncé’s “If I Were a Roy.”  (Note: I’ve been told by unreliable sources that I have the title and lyrics of this song wrong).

Book Progress

Well, it’s getting closer. I’m down to the last chapter (unless I decide to add another chapter which I’m considering). I will then start the editing process and meeting with my legal team (likely just a volunteer law student).

Book Clip

Here’s a little excerpt from my upcoming book on nursing. “There are so many abbreviations and acronyms in nursing. It can be overwhelming in the beginning when you’re first learning them. Did you know that a suppository is a supp? There are even some that cross over and have different meanings which can add to the confusion. What is P.D? Parkinson’s Disease? Peritoneal Dialysis? Personality Disorder? Peyronies Disease? For this reason, abbreviations and acronyms in nursing should only be used PRN.”

Marketing

Apparently, my book will need to be marketed after it is complete. I don’t know the first thing about marketing. I’ve been told it is quite difficult. It’s not like marketing a pho restaurant; Pho the love of Pho, Pho sure, One Pho the money-Two Pho the Show, Pho-One-One, Ready-Set-Pho, Pho-Pho-Stop, What Your Mouth is Pho, Pho Pho Gadget Food!, Knife-Spoon-Pho, Pho God and Country, Pho Honor, Eat-Pho-Love, Pho Pho’s Sake, Fee Fy Pho Fum, Pho the Love of God-Stop.

Words of Wisdom

1. Learning a new language is a fun and worthy goal. I just read about a guy who speaks 19 languages. That’s a lot to have in your brain. He must be very good at compartamentalizing things. I can barely say compartamentalize. I guess that’s why I can only speak 2 ½ languages.

2. Hemorrhoids are more bothersome than falling asleep on an Air Canada flight before landing… I recently read. When life gives you hemorrhoids, make lemons… and other fruits part of a new high fiber diet.

If left untreated, hemorrhoids can be more irritating than a drone in downtown Tehran.

When life gives you hemorrhoids, go to Tim Hortons. I recently read that donuts can help with hemorrhoids.

3. Learn how to spell “compartmentalize” so that when you use the non-word, “compartamentalize” to make a point, everyone still thinks you can somewhat write. Also, learn how to spell, “hemorrhoid” … and “abbreviation”. You never know when you’re going to be needing to get abbreviated information on either one.

4. *PRN is a nursing term for “as needed” and comes from the Latin term “pro re nata”.

This blog isn’t just funny. It also learns you stuff and makes you brainiate more efficiently.

It’s time for the ending joke. This one is from my upcoming book which should be coming out later this year. Gather your loose change (check your couch if you need to) and get ready to purchase your copy. #marketingiseasy. Enjoy.

My fellow co-worker had been to get medication and seemed rushed as she passed by me. I said, “You ok? What’s Up?”

She turned, held up a med and lubricant and said, “Tylenol Supp.” … or maybe she said, “Tylenol’s up.”

Happy June. For your reading pleasure, it’s Blog Post #47. Thank you to all who read Blog Post #46 and discovered that Blog Post #45 was not actually my last. It’s now time to put that little bit of unpleasantness in the past and move forward.

Booking to the Future

I’m excited to say that I’m back working on my book. That’s despite the fact that I’ve been busier than a dinner host for Piglet’s best friend (I’ll explain later). The summer is just beginning here in Canada and it seems to have come early. The weather has been delightful. Sunshine all day and temperatures that would make Goldilocks happy. However, there have been some challenges:

Ongoing Investigation

My Mom fell in her kitchen and broke her hip last month. We’re not entirely sure what happened. There are two theories:

The first theory is a bit unrealistic. She was in the kitchen cooking and she turned, lost her balance, and fell.

The second, and more realistic, theory is that she opened the kitchen window to get some fresh air. Little did she know that sitting on a branch on the tree just outside the kitchen window was a trollacito, a troll-like creature (almost like an Oompa Loompa). It sat there waiting patiently for opportunity.

With its long spikey discolored fingernails, the trollacito held tightly to its blow gun. “Breathe deep and slow.” the trollacito said to itself as my Mom opened the window. A rush of anticipation and air went out the single lung of the trollacito and through the kitchen window in a simultaneous dance of wind and crackling fire. The trollacito slowly removed a dart from the side pocket of his beige war-torn vest. Containing a type of curare called ‘nappytie’, the dart lay dormant in the blow gun as the trollacito quivered with hope.

Just as my Mom went to the sink, the trollacito saw the chance. “Whoooosh!…and stick.”

“Got her.” the trollacito said to itself with a wry sideways smile of satisfaction.

The dart had gone to my Moms left thigh and down she went breaking her hip in the process. We continue to try to find the offending trollacito but so far it eludes us. If I get my hands on that little Motherhunter…

My Mom is doing well. She had surgery, is recovering, is back home, and is in good spirits. The investigation into what exactly happened continues…

Hip to the Hop

In honor of my Mom, I thought I’d share some HipHop music or maybe a little Huey Lewis and the News ‘Hip to be Square’. Better yet, a little Tragically Hip ‘Little Bones’  or Weezer ‘Island in the Sun’ HipHip. Then I decided that wouldn’t be nice. So I’m sharing some more Tom Odell who I saw in an awesome concert last month. My wife and I were Magnetised.

Here’s a photo I took a couple years back of the Somass River in Port Alberni.

Coincidences

I recently read that a serial bank robber was released from custody following the completion of his sentence. In other unrelated news, there were a series of bank robberies around town. Police continue their investigation.

Words of Wisdom

1. Drink beer. It’s delicious. Last year I read that there was a study that showed beer can help stave off Alzheimer’s Disease and even improve memory. I recently said to my wife, “Hey, remember that study I told you about last year regarding beer improving memory?”

”No”

“It was Saturday May 5th at 2:34pm.You had just put on your shoes to go shopping because we needed broccoli and potatoes for dinner. You were wearing that running jacket with the broken zipper that you got rid of the following day.

”Oh yeah, now I remember.”

Pfft, studies prove nothing.

2. If you’re working as a caregiver, never use the word “quiet.” If you do, you’ll soon find yourself busier than a honeybee with Winnie the Pooh knocking on the back door asking if you have any snacks. (* from my upcoming book on nursing)

Thanks for reading. It’s time for the ending jokes. These are also in the upcoming book. Enjoy.

I overheard someone asking a 90 year old patient what the secret to a long life was.
She replied, “I don’t really know. I was never a health nut or anything. For the last 40 years or so, I always had a single shot of vodka, tequila, or rum before going to bed. Also, every day, I eat a pickle for a late night snack.

“So, you wouldn’t say there’s a magic pill or anything?”

“No… just a magic dill.”

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I had a patient who only spoke Punjabi. No English. However, whenever the patient received a meal or assistance, he would always say, “Merci.” One shift, my co-worker and I helped this patient to bed and the patient said, “Merci”.

My co-worker looked at me and said, “Oh! He speaks Spanish?”

RGM

Beware of tricks, it’s Blog Post #46. I would not have expected so many readers to fall for my April Fool’s “it’s my last blog ever” comment in Blog Post #45. It was even bold and at the end of the post (where the jokes are), yet it got so many people. It was very pleasing and warmed both my atriums and ventricles. For those that were hoping that it was my last blog post, you can go to health.

My wife and I enjoyed a great Easter weekend (and a bit more) on Vancouver Island catching up with friends and family. I met someone who said, “I heard you write a blog. Is it cool?”

I said, “No. Probably not. However, in a world full of Netflix, YouTube, E-sports, online casinos, playoff pools, Mindcraft, and VR, I invent, I write, I create, I publish, I take action and I do. Now, that’s pretty cool!”

You sound like you could use a book recommendation

Work and travel have really slowed the progress of my book the last month or so. It’s been going about as well as cliff-diving walruses in Russia. I’m eager to get to working on my book again, but first I had to get this blog post out there so people could breathe a sign of read-leaf.

Here’s a photo I took earlier this year of English Bay in Vancouver. I love where I live. You should love where you live too. If you don’t, you should move.

My wife and I have been working on a few travel ideas lately. It’s important not to wait as the future is not guaranteed. My wife and I are hoping to get to Venice before it’s flooded, New Orleans before it sinks, the leaning Tower of Pisa before it falls over, and The Church of Notre Dame before Melisandre, the red priestess of R’hllor, stops by for a visit. Time is ticking.

My workout playlist has been evolving and changing a lot lately. Nothing has really been sticking for very long. This Dermott Kennedy song has had some Power Over Me and has stayed on the list.

Words of Wisdom

1. If you want to be a vegetarian, be a vegetarian. It’s just not for meat. I’ll be a vegetarian when walruses fly.

2. Make sure you have a will. Did you know that over 75% of millennials don’t have a will?

Oh no!

“I bequeath my parents home to my guinea pig, Penny, who stood by me during my difficult three weeks taking Naturopathic Psychology at the Community College. Conditional to home ownership is continuing to let my brother live in the basement. I leave all my cryptocurrency to my emotional support cat, Princess Fur-sala. She helped me get through my part time job at Starbucks. Finally, to my sister I leave my collection of captured Pokemons, my Fortnight account login information, and my student debt. Please share the selfie I likely died from taking.”

It’s now time for the ending joke. I decided to leave this one out of the book. It just didn’t seem to fit. Feel free to let me know what you think. Enjoy.

“Hey, did you get that job you applied for at the funeral home?”

“No”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t have CPR training.” 

“What? Why would you need that?”

“They said, In case a co-worker is choking on fava beans and there’s no chianti to wash it down with.”

Bonus Easter Material: Courage is important in life. Check out this video of a snake getting into a rabbit’s nest. Just as the snake is eating the eggs, the mother rabbit comes out of nowhere and gets revenge. The funny part is that the snake retreats but the mother rabbit continues to go after it going kick-crazy. Poor Snake

RGM

It’s Blog Post #45 and I’m fortunate to be alive. Actually, we’re all fortunate to be alive. I’ve just recovered from the Man-Flu. It’s been a week of fevers and a hacking cough. I also lost my voice a bit, which my wife was very happy about. I missed a week’s worth of workouts, missed several days of work, and briefly lost my will to live (that wasn’t the flu …that was my hockey team being eliminated from the playoffs).

Sympathy

My wife had no sympathy for me while I was sick. She would often sarcastically say to me, “Awe. Muffin.” My response:

Delicious like a muffin? Yes. Edible like a muffin? Yes. English like the muffin? No. An upright support in the wall of a building type of muffin? Yes.

Here’s another photo I took on my trip to Mexico last month. El café esta delicioso con magdalenas.

Productivity

I used my unexpected down time to work at my Spanish (mostly Spanish shows on Netflix) and continue working on my book. The ending joke from Blog Post #44 was a hit…with 50% of readers. The other 50% have no sense of haha (only kidding). I understand that jokes about disimpaction are not for everyone. It will likely still make the book but the truth is that it’s not totally up to me. My book will need to go through an approval process that may see multiple portions cut. Who knows? Hopefully, it’s not a “go back to the writing board” redo.

Here I Am

I’ve been enjoying music from Tom Odell for almost a year now. Several of his songs have been rotated through my playlist. Next month, my wife and I will be attending his concert here in Vancouver. This is one of my favorites: Here I Am .

Words of Wisdom

1. Don’t expect sympathy from your spouse when you’re sick.

2. Muffins are delicious.

With last month’s joke being so controversial, I decided to go much tamer this month. This first one is definitely going in the book. To get the punchline, you may have to say it out loud several times. Enjoy.

It was the start of my shift and I was working with a new nurse named Reginald. I was with my patient in a shared room when I overheard him come in to talk to his patient. The conversation went like this:

Reginald: “Knock knock.” 

The Patient: “Who’s there?” 

Reginald: “Reg”

The Patient: “Reg who?” 

Reginald: “Reg is your Nurse.”

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This will be my last ever blog post. Thank you to everyone who has supported me in this endeavor.

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Bonus Material

It’s the start of baseball season. As you might know, my wife is a fan of the Toronto Blue Jays. I’m a fan of the Seattle Mariners. Here’s my preview of their upcoming MLB season:

The Seattle Mariners

The Seattle Mariners will be in tough this season. They traded away nearly every player with an inflated contract or advanced age to go younger. They have gone all-in on the future with an eye on being contenders in two to three years. Bold move that hopefully pays off.

The Toronto Blue Jays

As for the Blue Jays, they have a team that… who cares? I expect the Blue Jays to be sliding into third….place in the division and out of the playoffs. In 2019, they’ll likely (and hopefully) have less hits than Chris Brown. Opposing teams will have more runs than a quarantined cruise ship against these Jays. “Hey. The Blue Jays are Canada’s team!” Putting a maple leaf on the Blue Jays logo and calling them Canada’s team is like putting a wig and makeup on a bullfrog and calling it a supermodel. Go Mariners!

RGM

It’s time for the ending jokes. Enjoy.

What do Nurses in Australia do if digital disimpaction doesn’t work?

Didjeridu disimpaction

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What do Australians call a practical joke?

A Kanga-rouse

Education. Entertainment. It’s Blog Post #44. Why were the ending jokes moved to the beginning?

Saving Time

By taking the end of the blog and moving it to the beginning of the blog, I have actually created a longer blog. It’s like cutting a piece off the end of a rope and tying it to the other end of the rope. You end up making a longer rope. And that is how daylight savings time works.

Travel and Family Time

It’s been a busy month. My wife and I went to Arizona for a few days. We watched our beloved hockey team, the Vancouver Canucks take on the Arizona Coyotes. We also spent time with my wife’s cousin and his wife who spend their winters in Arizona. It was so great to hang out with family. It was also nice to hang out with my wife’s cousin.

There were a lot of Canucks fans at the game. The home fans around us started chanting “Canucks suck!” Then some Canuck fans started chanting, “Coyotes suck!” I said, “C’mon now. Both these teams suck. Let’s be honest.”

Articles

Before leaving on vacation I found that my published travel articles were no longer available at WanderGoGo . It seemed that the site was WanderGoneGone. However, I found later that the site was back up and they were re-launching. Maybe you’ll see some more travel articles from me sooner rather than later.

I love Vancouver. I also love New York City and Hong Kong. I may have grown up small town but now I’m unquestionably an urbanite. This song about big city living with concrete under the feet is headlining my workouts these days.  Big City Love

Bienvenidos

Following our Arizona adventure, my wife and I headed to the warmth of Mexico. We met up with family there, enjoyed great food and drink in the warm sun, and I got the opportunity to try out my Spanish skills.

Si o No

For every time my Spanish went well, there was a time it didn’t. Whether people simply laughed at what I said or responded to my words with near flawless English, the one thing I learned for sure is that I have a lot of work still to do. That only makes sense as all my Spanish learning has been via YouTube and not from being immersed in the language.

While in Mexico I twice booked taxis that never came. I made a restaurant reservation for 7 people for Thursday at 6pm and wondered if I had made a reservation for 6 people at 7pm for Friday. I asked one taxi driver to drive straight ahead and he was laughing…Looking back I think I was saying something that roughly translated to, “Charge forward!” It was fun.

Here’s one of the first photos I took on this trip to Mexico.

You can learn about the area we were in Mexico by reading this article I wrote in 2017: Mexico on a Budget

Book Work

I’ve continued to work on my upcoming book. It’s been great to go through my past articles and all my old blog posts. I thought some of them might be stupid or silly but it turned out they were…which is awesome. I was recently asked, “Is the book fiction or non-fiction?”

The answer is Yes.

Words of Wisdom

1. Question everything. It’s good to be on the alert for things that are off. We rented a house in Mexico. It was walled off from the surrounding area, contained barbed wire, and had an electric fence on the top of it. My wife said she felt safe. I questioned when the velociraptors were going to be coming.

2. Listen carefully. Music can be so telling. I shared a song about the big city because I love the big city. Recently I was calling customer service and the music playing was, “Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies .” Telling.

3. Shouldn’t everybody that can get vaccinated, get vaccinated… or is it just measles?

Warning: Some people aren’t going to like this. Maybe that some people is you.

4. Don’t believe the hype. Sometimes things get great reviews. They have fame and critical acclaim but in the end aren’t really that great. Movies, foods, activities, tv shows, music, artists etc. sometimes just aren’t that amazing. Things that are terrible but have positive reviews and are very popular include Marvel Movies, Pink: The Beautiful Trauma Tour, The Roy G Mundheim Blog, Black Forest Cake, Beyonce, Netflix Binge-watching, microwaves, The Keto Diet, new Star Wars movies, cotton candy, Roma etc. Don’t trust the critics or the masses. See for yourself.

Bonus Content

Movie Review: Here’s my Review of the critically acclaimed Netflix movie, Roma. Enjoy. Spoiler Alert: To appreciate this review, it is best that you’ve seen the movie. If you haven’t seen Roma, be warned that some content will reveal parts of the movie that may ruin your movie watching experience.

Don’t watch this movie. It was terrible. I was so looking forward to this movie. Everybody was saying they loved it. I thought watching Roma would be a great opportunity to both practice Spanish and watch a great movie. I was wrong. The movie was so slow and, at times, meaningless. It’s in black and white so I guess it’s “artsy.” You never really get to know the main character. She always seemed on auto-pilot. It was a frustrating and disappointing movie watching experience.

The things I liked:

There was the Infinity War scene on the Mexico City street where Spider Man runs up to the furniture store and gets shot. That was cool.

There was the scene with the martial arts class with Nacho Libre. I love Jack Black. Is there any character he can’t pull off? In that scene he blindfolded himself and did the tree pose. I love yoga. Is there anything it can’t do? Yeah, make this movie any good.

There was also the scene where Bjorn Ironside broke into song while everyone was fighting the forest fire (very creative…and in Norwegian).

The final dramatic scene on the beach was also good but could have benefitted from a Megalodon. One star.

Note: This was a comedic review of Roma and not that of a serious film cricket.

So of course, there’s still another ending joke. Australians just aren’t that funny. Be warned: This joke is controversial and 100% made up. I’m looking to include it in my book. I’d like some feedback. If you find it too much or offensive, please send me an e-mail and let me know. RoyGMundheim@gmail.com . Enjoy.

People who are severely constipated may need digital disimpaction (the use of fingers to aid in the removal of stool from the rectum). People are often surprised to learn that nurses do this. One evening I was helping a man with digital disimpaction as he was very constipated.

The weird part was that I wasn’t at work. I had just met the guy in the restaurant bathroom. 

RGM

It’s BP 43 which is almost as good and as exciting as EP40. Don’t know what that is? “Google it!” It’s a little hockey humour to get started. Sometimes, making this blog for everyone crosses my mind and then I remember; this blog might not be for anyone.

Speaking of Sports

The Super Bowl commercials are this weekend. There’s also a football game in between. I hope the Vikings win. I’ve decided to blog about the Super Bowl despite the fact that I said I wouldn’t. #sorryRihanna #rudeRoy. The Super Bowl I remember the most was the one where Ray Finkle missed that last second field goal and the Dolphins lost. “Who is that? Who the hell is that?” Google it:)

Travels

This month, my wife and I are off to Arizona for a couple days. The main reason is to see and support our beloved local hockey team, The Vancouver Canucks. The team still isn’t very good but any excuse to escape the Canadian winter is welcome.

With a trip to Arizona, U.S.A. and Mexico on the horizon, I decided to share one more photo I took in Britain from last year. I took this photo of The River Kelvin in Glasgow which again illustrates the beauty of Autumn in Scotland.

Book In Progress

I’ve continued to download my nursing book from my brain to my laptop and although it’s slow going, it’s still going. Sorry, it’s a slow connection…. and “someone cut the hardline.” I’m about a quarter of the way done the writing aspect of things. So far, it’s going about as well as Boyan Slat’s plastic pick-up business:(

I recently removed this song from my workout list because it had been there for over eight months. I still do love this song: Allan Rayman “13” . It’s a weird opening but once it gets going, it’s so good….just like this blog:)

Words of Wisdom

1. Have cheat days. February is the month when most people go off their ambitious new year diets. The discipline only lasts so long for most people. That’s why I love cheat meals and cheat days. They’re great for a mental break and the extra calories can boost your metabolism. Does Tom Brady have cheat days? Yes, every day…but he always feels deflated afterwards.

2. Know how to cook and prepare meals. Eat more at home. The Canada Food Guide was recently updated. I wish it was more vague and less detailed. “Eat a variety of healthy foods each day.” Thanks Canada Food Guide. What would I do without you? The Guide also recommends preparing meals at home and eating out less. Recently United Airlines made it easier and better to eat at home by releasing a cookbook; because nothing says, ‘nutritious’ quite like airplane food. Folsom Prison is also set to release a cookbook; because nothing says ‘healthy’ quite like prison food. I found prison food to be much better than airline food anyway. In related news, Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital is collaborating with Port Charles General Hospital to create and release their own cookbook; because nothing says ‘delicious’ quite like hospital food… and bad tv show references.

3. A few letters can make a difference. I’ve made typing errors that have really messed things up. I’ve written “shift” but didn’t give an “f”. I’ve also typed my name and instead of “y”, I’ve hit the “t” right next to it. Have you ever read something that had missing letters or punctuation and it changed the whole meaning? Know you haven’t? I recently read an article comparing ‘The Whisperers’, new frightening characters on the The Walking Dead tv show, to Mike Myers. Oh, behave! Groovy Baby! Yeah! (Decide later if you’ll write ‘Google it’ here or explain that Michael Myers is a horror film character from the Halloween movies that the article was comparing to while Mike Myers is an actor who played Austin Powers in the Austin Powers movies.).

Jokes are fun. Wish I had some to end this blog. I don’t but I do have this. Enjoy.

Why was the US government shut down for so long without ‘President’ Trump intervening to get things going again?

Because Trump didn’t have the walls to do it.

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Thanks for reading my blog. Sincerely. 

Rot

It’s here for you…Blog Post #42. Thank you to everyone who sent feedback on Blog Post #41. I’m glad most people enjoyed it. Let’s keep that going.

Sober January

How are you enjoying “Sober January”? …or as I call it, “No.”

Happy New Year

With a new year here, there’s always change. I’ve had to ask myself some tough questions:

What exactly is a Michelin star restaurant? Is it a place where you eat while they change your tires?

Roy. How many more times are you going to write 2018 on your patients’ healthcare documents when it’s clearly 2019?

Why won’t you eat octopus?

What photo are you going to put in Blog Post #42?

I took this photo in Glasgow, Scotland in an area called Kelvingrove. No, it’s not a painting.

Work

The new year has seen me change my position at Vancouver General Hospital. I’m now working in The Dementia Care Unit. Recently a co-worker came to the front desk and said, “I can’t remember what I came here for. I was going to look for something.”

Me, without hesitation, “Your room? It’s down the hall to your left. I’ll be down with your meds later.”

The octopus joke from Blog Post #41 was a hit. I’m glad people liked it. I don’t eat octopus because they’re amazingly smart. Too smart to eat. Do you know what an octopus does when it’s looking for work? It joins InkedIn. Now that’s smart. It also puts a lot of feelers out there to see if anything sticks.

The Financial Markets

If you’ve been reading from the beginning, you know this is the place to get up-to-date market news. Stocks and bonds are both down going into the trading week. Commodities hit an all time low that has Wall Street experts….ok maybe not.

The Market is down but what would you expect? With Senator Trumpatine trying to dissolve the Imperial Senate, the other star systems were never going to fall in line. The Trade Embargo has left people fleeing to Hoth to escape the Empire’s stranglehold. “Oh, I’m afraid the wall will be quite operational when the money arrives.”

Here’s the song on top of my playlist at the moment. “Buy yourself a dream and you’ll be a Happy Man. “……or woman.

Words of Wisdom

1. What a time to be alive. If you weren’t sure of the facts of life, this month has been a month for learning. January has seen the rise of two important educational movies; Bird Box and Bumble Bee. Releasing those movies at the same time is marketing genius. (Huh? I don’t get it.)

2. Be Careful with Expectations: Things in life don’t always go as we expectorate. Sometimes we are surprisatoad by things. No matter what we are anticipalating, it sometimes doesn’t go as we hope fortune. When that happens, we need to fungus on the good thimbles.

3. Songs can help you remember important things. Here’s a nursing jingle I’ve written for “The Book.” It goes “♫ Let me tell you ‘bout the turds and the pees and the needles and the bleeds….and a thing called gloves. ♫” (Oh, I get it now).

You Don’t Get It. It’s Ok.

So this blog was a great start to 2019….out there…..way out there. Don’t worry if you didn’t get it all. The important thing is that the octopi get it. They’re so smart. (Really? More octopus content?) Before this turns into an octopi love-in and full fledged cephalopod blog focused on this magnificent mollusk, it’s time for the ending joke. There’s only one because I couldn’t stop laughing long enough to write any more. Enjoy.

Britain’s separation from the European Union has been predicted to be an apocalyptic event and as such has recently been renamed, “Birdbrexit.” A lot of British people think the whole thing is a bunch of Sandra Bullocks.

♫ Roy to the World! It’s Blog Forty-One. It works …only if …you sing. ♫

It’s my last blog post for the year. I want to wish everyone a merry George Michael Memorial Day and a Happy New Year. May your 2019 be Amazing.

Booking It

I’ve been doing an immense amount of writing lately. As mentioned in Blog Post #38, I have decided to write a book. Efforts to get articles published are on hold for now as I dedicate myself to writing, self-publishing, and promoting this book. What the heck will this book be about? The book is about nursing. More specifically, it’s a humoristic look at bedside nursing. Based on the three ‘Humour in Healthcare’ blog posts I wrote in 2017 and 2018, the book will include amusing short stories and jokes combined with an inside look at bedside nursing and its many challenges. The book is truly a ‘work in progress’ and I really don’t know what the final product will look like. I also know nothing about self-publishing. That’s part of the fun. I’ll post more updates on the book as time goes.

The book will include a lot of excerpts from this blog. You’ll be excited to know that all nursing jokes from this blog will make the book. I’d like to have the book finished before the end of 2019 but that’s not likely. It’s about as likely as Santa making a delivery to The White House in Washington this year.

2019 Travel Plans

My wife and I will continue our world travelling ambitions in 2019. We are going to spend a few days in Phoenix, Arizona, U.S.A at the end of February before meeting family in Guayabitos, Mexico. We are also excited to be going to Tokyo, Japan in the fall of 2019. In between both of those, we’ll be looking at a few more adventures closer to home. While I love travelling, I also love my home. I took this photo of the Xmas tree in the middle of downtown Vancouver earlier this month.

What’s Your Resolution?

There’s a lot of evidence that New Year’s resolutions don’t actually work. However, I consider myself proof that they can work if you work. In January 2016 I started my weight training resolution. I worked out at the gym focusing on strength training twice a week without fail. I’m now down 22 lbs, feeling good, and work out three times a week. Consistent strength training simply changed my life. It gave me self esteem, energy, and self belief. Resolutions can work (at any time of year) if you decide to make it happen.

At the beginning of this year, I made a resolution to study Spanish every day with the goal of being fluent by the end of 2019. How’s it going at almost the halfway point? I’m not calling people ‘donkey’ or ‘books’ any more. I can ask if people speak English. I can ask what a word is in Spanish in Spanish. I can ask people to repeat themselves, speak slower, and tell them I don’t understand. I can also ask if there’s a monkey in my coffee. So I can safely say that progress is slow; but it’s progress…that’s progressively progressing.

Words of Wisdom

1. Before I talk about procrastination, I want to encourage everyone to take up strength training. It’s life changing.

2. Take on a challenge… and there’s no need to wait for the calendar to flip over.

3. Procrastination. I’ll talk about it in the next blog.

Happy Holidays

I want to wish all my readers peace and Roy over the holidays. May you all have tidings of comfort and Roy. If you see Santa, remind him to stop at The Island of Misfit Roys. That’s it for this crazy year. I look forward to sharing more of my writing in 2019.

So with “The Book” on it’s way, I thought I’d share a couple of jokes I’ve been working on. These, like “The Book”, are a ‘work in progress’ but the meat and the potatoes are there. Enjoy.

This first one might be only for nurses…or no one actually. I was in a café at the airport in Dublin, Ireland looking for a bite to eat. They had a burger called the MBM burger (mushroom, bacon, mozzarella). I ordered it without mushrooms. The server then said, “So you’d like a BM burger?”

😦

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Nursing can be so busy. You’ve got so much to do. One shift I was being pulled in so many directions at the same time, that I wasn’t sure what to do. Patients, nurses, doctors, care-aids, and managers were all asking for something from me and I was losing my mind. I said to my co-worker, “It’s moments like this that I wish I was an octopus.”

She smiled and replied, “Yeah, I could use a few more arms too.”

I looked at her blank and said, “Arms? I was talking about having a deadly vicious beak.”

She laughed, “Or to just be able to throw an ink bomb and take off!”

And just like that, it’s Blog Post #40. Thank you to everyone who has supported this endeavour forty times. I appreciate you both. After Blog Post #39, a few people asked me, “What about Ireland?” Ireland is their own country…but they’re part of Northern Ireland (no border between them…but they use different currencies)….or maybe they’re separate and linked only by history….Brexit will sort out any confusion. For seven days last month, Ireland became more. It became better, exciting, and a little extra special. For the seven days my wife and I were there touring around, it was GREAT Ireland!

Ireland

Walking is a great way to get around….except in Ireland. No, it’s not the alcohol. It’s the traffic lights. You’ll wait many minutes to have the lights change to cross the road. All traffic in all directions must be stopped for a period of time before the walkers can begin their walking. We watched as locals ran for their lives dodging cars to cross roads. The locals knew the long wait….and now we do too. Even the chickens could be seen Jay walking across the streets of Dublin. I saw some Irish sheep crossing the road and decided to ask them why it was so difficult here. I said, “Bah Ram Yew, Bah Ram Yew….” Ok, maybe I didn’t ask. They couldn’t understand my accent anyway.

Dublin

Dublin was beautiful and we were fortunate to have the sun out. We ran at the River Liffey and I was able to take a photo of this amazing sunset.

As a tourist in Dublin, the Guinness Factory is a must. Guinness does, in fact, taste better and fresher in Ireland. However, the factory tour was cheesy. I heard locals call it, “Guinness and the Chocolate Factory.” We received a golden ticket which was good for one pint of Guinness at the rooftop bar. Did you know that Guinness is not actually black? It is red. After a few, I didn’t know if it was maybe purple or blue.

Galway

Waiting for a bus in Galway, we asked a local, “Does the bus driver give change?”

He said, “What?”

“Does the bus driver give change?”

He replied,” …..the bus hasn’t come yet?” He couldn’t understand our accent I guess.

Not even in Kathmandu had I seen traffic as bad as what we found in Galway. Built for horse and buggy, this place was not equipped for the kind of traffic it had. We took a bus our first day and watched as people walked right by the moving bus that was always stuck in traffic. Of course, we caught up with these walkers once they had to wait for a pedestrian light. We never took the bus again and continually found ourselves getting to destinations before buses and cars (once we learned to risk life and limb crossing roads).

I took this photo in Galway showing The River Carrib.

We had two perfect nights in Galway. We had amazing dinners, great drinks, and the rain stayed away. I told my wife, “I swear I’m going to put you in a blog I write. About a Galway trip and a perfect night” .

Back to London

Before returning home, my wife and I went back to London for one full day. A beautiful sunny day greeted us and we ended up going back to see some things we had already seen …but in the sunshine. I took this photo of the House of Parliament in London.

See Something Suspicious?

Travelling The Tube, there are frequent announcements that if you see something suspicious you should inform an attendant or authority personnel. The announcement ends with the slogan, “See it. Say it. Sorted.” We have a similar slogan in Canada; “See it. Say It. Snap it. Post it. Share it. Like it. Sorted!”

I did overhear someone go up to a transit officer and say, “That woman has a yellow jacket on.”

The officer replied, “That’s gonna sting.”    Sorted!

I went up to the same officer and said, “There’s a lady over there with a green dress on.”

He replied, “Is it a real green dress?”

I said, “No.”

“Good. That’d be cruel.”    Sorted!

Neon Lights

I kept seeing suspicious things all around London. We passed by a Sainsburys (the name of a grocery store chain). Their neon sign wasn’t functioning properly and the ‘U’ and the ‘R’ were not lit up. I think it was a subliminal advertising campaign that let us all know that something’s not right; ‘U R not here and you should be.’

So after shopping in Sainsburys, we walked past the Wellington Hospital. Their neon sign was not working for the ‘WELL’. They don’t care about ‘Well’? Insert your own jokes here.

Words of Wisdom

1. Keep track of your stuff when travelling. There was an announcement at the train station in Dublin that said, “We have a John Henry Waterbottle here. If you’ve lost a John Henry Waterbottle, please come to the service desk.” I thought, “I hope he finds his family.”

2. Keep track of your appointments. I had a dentist appointment this month. The dentist office e-mailed me two reminders, phoned with a reminder, phoned again saying that it was to pre-confirm that I have a confirmed appointment and that they will call again to confirm. I received another call reminding me that my appointment is confirmed. Is this the world we live in now?

It’s time for the ending jokes. There were two blog posts this month so the material may not be as amazing as it usually is. Enjoy.

While my wife and I were in Great Britain and Great Ireland, our friends went and watched Jerry Seinfeld live in Vancouver. They invited us to go for soup and babka and then to the show. We told them that even if we were home, we couldn’t go. Firstly, the soup place won’t serve me and secondly, they don’t know how to take reservations (actually, they take the reservation… they just don’t know how to hold the reservation). We also didn’t want to lose the car in the parking garage and have the goldfish die. Our friends also invited Delores and I don’t really know her. I can never remember her name yada yada yada. 

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One very popular tourist destination in Ireland is The Blarney Stone, a block of stone built into the Blarney Castle. Legend has it that kissing the Blarney Stone will lead to great elegance and speaking skills. Tourists go to Ireland looking to kiss the stone and take photos of themselves. Some locals enjoy peeing on The Blarney Stone and then later watching tourists kiss it. I skipped The Blarney Stone.