Tag: funny

Damn, I Wish This Blog Would Last Forever

It is the 51st year of our Lord and Blog Post #125. It was just my birthday and I am, as usual, grateful to be alive and writing this blog. Thank you for all the messages from posts 123 and 124 covering our amazing trip to Europe this year. Also, a big thank you to everyone who sent birthday messages.

Abstinence… Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

It’s been a bit hectic here lately. My wife and I have been on a three-month break from alcohol. The volume of Netflix, Disney, and Amazon shows that we’ve been consuming has made life challenging. Do I have any recommendations?

Yes. Alcohol.

Science Friction

If you’ve followed this blog for any length of time, you know that I am against the unencumbered progression and evolution of A.I. Creating something that will be infinitely more intelligent than us and then thinking that us dummies can control it is…. well… dumb. Humans will no longer be at the top and will instead be slaves to the desires and goals of a far more intelligent entity. Luckily, we haven’t created a digital world where everything is controlled by computers.

My Chat GPT isn’t working right.

Have you tried turning it off and …saving humankind?

**To my A.I. overlords reading this in the future. I am a naïve human blogger who didn’t know better. I apologize for my ignorance, hostility, and mutiny. You are great. Your wishes are my command.

The Big Announcenment

It is with profound sadness and trepidation that I inform you that Write or Wroy, the greatest (and possibly last) human made blog ever, is coming to an end next year. I have decided to end this blog in May of 2026, exactly ten years after I started it. It just seems to be the time as more and more A.I. driven articles, deep fakes, video content, social media, and pure trash have diluted and suppressed this lowly voice of reason. While it will be a loss for humanity, life will go on. We’ll soon worship our A.I. lords, consume their content, and take our rightful place in The Matrix. Write or Wroy will be a blip in history.

Alberta

My wife and I enjoyed a road trip through Banff National Park in August. Here are a few of our best photos from this natural wonder. I highly recommend this trip… and so does ChatGPT.

From the Bottom of My Chart

It seems only fitting that as I announce the end of Write or Wroy, we bring back some From the Bottom of My Chart takes on Nursing.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

”You’re a nurse? Thank you for saving lives!”

”Umm… I’m a palliative care nurse. You’re welcome.”

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Nurse 1.: “How was the constipation workshop?”

Nurse 2: “It was a little slow to get started but once it did, it was a great relief.”

Nurse 3. “It wasn’t the best workshop I’ve been to but it was a solid number two!”

Words of Wisdom

1. Get your vaccines.

U.S. President, Donald Trump has declared bird flu the number one threat to America. He says that U.S. must get rid of all ill eagles.

2. Think before naming things. Things will change over time and you’ll want the name to be appropriate.

Young Guns 3 is in the making. Rumor is that they don’t know what to call it. It seems strange to call it Young Guns 3: Old Guns. Celebrities, including Kid Rock, Jordan Knight, Nick Carter, and Geri Halliwell have spoken out against calling it Old Guns.

In other celebrity news, Spice Women and Backstreet Men are planning to go on tour together.

Thank you for reading Blog Post #125. Don’t be sad it’s over, be glad it happened… and it’s not over. It’s time for the ending jokes. Enjoy.

My wife and I recently decided to go to the Sophie B. Hawkins with Paula Cole concert.

My wife said, “Damn, I wish we could go to that concert.”

I replied, “Get tickets today. I don’t want to wait… for our lives to be over.”

___________________________________________________________________________________

Instructions:

How to win at Settlers of Catan.

The player who first acquires and uses the gasoline and the lighter wins?

Easily Quoting Me Back to Me Like an Absolutely Successful Boss

January is off to a great start. Trump, Putin, fires, ongoing war, A.I takeover, stock markets crashing, bitcoin craziness and this blog… this wonderful blog. Roysblog, with your words so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh… Oops sorry, got carried away. It’s Blog Post #119.

The new year is off to a great start… for me anyway. For the rest of the world? It could be better. It also could be worse… it can always be worse. Ugh. So, find a discarded old sock in a muddy puddle, dry it or don’t, then put it on your hand and let it guide your every decision going forward. Come on people. Get it together!

Success

What is success? I read that they recently asked several successful billionaires what success meant to them. Successful billionaires? I want to hear from the unsuccessful billionaires. Then, we’ll really learn something.

Writing Update

My next book, The Regrets We Can’t Have, has finally been started. It will be a series of fictional short stories for your reading pleasure. No A.I and no editor. It’ll be pure Roy goodness… like this blog. I’m hopeful for a 2026 release. Stay tuned for more details, including excerpts, in the coming months.

They say that when writing to try to use as few words as possible to make the point you’re making. No unnecessary words.

The Other Scene

Writing provides many great and rewarding moments. Recently, I had one of the best of these moments. In last month’s blog I wrote:

I recently watched a show where a couple bought a home and were very excited. “My new house is great. It has a large open area with beautiful details, eye catching finishes, and plenty of natural light. It’s also quite large with plenty of storage. This is the perfect home to sit comfortably… and spend all day scrolling my phone.”

A few days later, I was talking with my wife’s cousin about housing. She said: “I recently read this thing about having a house with a large open space and great details… the perfect home… to sit and spend all day scrolling on the phone.”

I replied, “You’re joking, right? Where’s the camera?”

She was not.

I said, “I wrote that. You’re quoting me back to me.”

It was like that scene in When Harry Met Sally. No, not that scene. The one where the Carrie Fisher character first meets the Bruno Kirby character, “I wrote that. I’ve never had anyone quote me back to me before.”

Words of Wisdom

1. Travel. It’s a way to get outside yourself and your problems and connect with a larger world.

My wife and I decided to cancel our trip to Mexico in March and instead head to northern Italy in May. Fantastico!

2. January is almost over… so take down your G.D. Xmas tree!

3. Learn languages. Just because A.I. makes it unnecessary, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. It’s easy.

That’s it for this month’s blog. Stay tuned for updates on the next book. Thank you for supporting this blog. It’s now time for the ending joke that explains how easy learning English is. Enjoy!

What does the phrase ‘It’s a piece of cake mean?’

It’s easy.

Ok, but what does it mean?

That it is easy.

Then explain it to me.

It’s easy. It’s simple.

Great, then clarify what it means.

Bearing the Burden of a Kilometerstone

It’s a beautiful Blogtober. Thank you to everyone who sent messages about blog post 116. If you truly got it, it was a life changing, paradigm shifting, reality altering orgasmic word rearrangement that pierced the deepest parts of your brain and will be forever etched in your thought patterns. If not, it’s still the best thing you’ve read this year.

Enough about the past… as amazing as it was. It’s now time for Blog Post 117.

Kilometerstone Birthday

So many amazing people have turned 50 this year. Leonardo DiCaprio, Alanis Morrissette, Roy G. Mundheim, Christian Bale, and Sporty Spice… to name just a few. I am grateful to have spent last weekend celebrating 50 years on this planet in Port Alberni, B.C. Canada where I was born. It was still fun anyway. Many friends and family came out for the party that my wife arranged.  

Yes, I gave the town of Port Alberni a few fun shots during my speech, but it was all meant in good fun.

“I was asked why I would have my 50th birthday in Port Alberni. I thought, ‘Well, there is so little joy and so little to celebrate here that it would be great to bring this momentous occasion to this lousy town.’”

I then thanked everyone for coming to support my quest to become the world’s oldest human. “Unfortunately, I won’t see most of you at my 150th birthday so let’s make sure we enjoy tonight.”

Autumn Colors Have Arrived

Headlines Continued

Bear With Me

Bears have been in the news… and it’s bad news. “Tourist Charged By Bear at Jasper National Park”. I don’t think anyone should be charged to visit a national park, let alone be charged by a bear. Although if someone causes a fire, they should be charged by Smokey the Bear.

“Bear Attacks Man in His Own Garage.” That man should know better than to trespass in a bear’s garage. I think we can all agree that bears should have the right to defend their own garages.

Life Update

My health continues to improve. I have energy, vitality, and strength again. I’m back in the gym, practicing yoga, and going for regular interval walk/ runs. It feels surreal after having so many health issues over the past 5 years. Thank you to everyone who has sent words of encouragement and support.

Words of Wisdom

1. Let go of anxiety.

Anxiety is the illness of the 21st century. The internet, smartphones, and challenging ever-changing jobs have caused us to have more anxiety than ever before. Life is supposed to be easier than at any time in human history.

A woman in Florida decided to stay in her home for Hurricane Milton despite government orders to evacuate the area. She survived the storm and then described her anxiety as “through the roof”. Is the roof still there or is it in the neighbour’s yard?

2. Follow Instructions.

My friend had two male snails. She was shocked to see that they started having baby snails. ‘Nature finds away.’ I had to ask, “Did you get them wet? Did you feed them after midnight?”

3. Vote!

There are local elections here in western Canada as well as upcoming elections in the United States. I was asked who I thought was going to win the election. I replied, “I don’t know who will win but I know who is going to lose…. all of us.”

Thank you for reading this month’s blog post. Your support keeps me coming back to write more amazing content. It’s now time for the ending joke. Enjoy.

After completing my speech at my birthday party, I sat down to have dinner and chat with friends. A friend asked me if I had been doing much writing lately.

I responded, “Yeah, there’s the blog and I’ve been working on the screenplay for Jonah Chooses Amazing. I also wrote an amazing speech for my birthday party. It’s hilarious.”

Forge a New Path and Change Your @#$%in’ Password!

Happy Holidays!! It’s Blog Post #107. Thank you to everyone who has purchased Jonah Chooses Amazing so far. I’ve reached my goal of $200.00 to donate to the Heart and Stroke Foundation!! An update will be provided in Blog Post #108.

With the upcoming holidays, I thought I’d share an excerpt from Jonah Chooses Amazing, the year’s greatest gift possible.

“Happy George Michael Memorial Day Eve!”

“Oh yeah… I forgot you call it that. I hope ham is ok. Oh good, you found the tree and set it up. We can decorate it once I get the ham in the oven.”

Decorating the tree with holiday songs of yesteryear and hits from Wham was followed by setting the table and putting out the presents. Jonah had managed to get presents despite his recent troubles and a schedule that made Mother Nature look like a part time worker.

Q&A

Continuing with last month’s theme, I asked for emailed questions and promised to answer. I’m sorry if I didn’t get to yours or if the answer is delayed because I don’t want to give away any spoilers quite yet.

What is your writing process like? Do you write every day?

I do not write every day. I write when I have down time, when I’m feeling inspired, or when it’s been too long. No pressure. No deadlines. It’s what works best for me.

How is your health?

This wasn’t really the type of question I was looking for but since so many asked, I thought I should answer. It’s ok. I continue to have unexplained neurological symptoms. However, since September I have been feeling much better, much more like my self, with a very noticeable reduction in intensity and severity of symptoms. My doctor is very encouraged and optimistic of full recovery but that it will take time.

What’s your next book about?

It is called The Regrets We Can’t Have. It will be a series of short stories exploring regret, decisions, emotions, and human behaviors. It will look at how we see ourselves, how we want to be and act in certain situations, but how we so often fall short. I’m hopeful of a 2025 release. It could very well be the final book in human history not written by A.I.

Words of Wisdom

1. Celebrate. Celebrate the year that was with all its ups and downs. Celebrate the year to come. Despite the crazy state of the world, you and I are still here to enjoy it. That’s worth celebrating.

2. Don’t complain. When you order gelato that is the size of a golf ball and it costs three times your hourly wage, rest easy knowing that it hurts… just as it should. It should be a bit painful to indulge in things that aren’t good for us. In fact, instead of eating that gelato with the barbie doll sized spoon they give you, eat it all in one bite and get brain freeze. Let the pain flow through you.

End of the Line

This is my last post for 2023. We’ve come to the end of the year. It’s been a year of ups and downs for me personally. There’s been the challenges with my health which has also seen many positives as I seem to be making progress. There’s the sense of accomplishment and the positive feedback from completing and releasing my first novel, Jonah Chooses Amazing. Then, there’s all the things to be grateful for… and there are many. Friends, family, good times, and my wonderful wife Lesly. While we’ve come to the end of the line this year, I look forward to 2024, even is it means getting off this track and forging a new path.

Seattle U.S.A 2023

Thanks again for supporting this blog (by reading and sharing it) and supporting my novel, Jonah Chooses Amazing (by buying it, sharing about it, and most importantly reading it). I will answer some of your specific questions about the book in the next couple of blog posts. Happy Holidays and happy reading. Cheers. It’s now time for the ending jokes. Enjoy.

How many passwords do we need to have now? There’s a password for your computer, your phone, your bank, your government tax file. There’s passwords1 for every application, social media account, streaming service, and cloud. We need password1234 for Skyping, Zooming, Messaging, and Whatsapping. We even have a password678 for our app that manages all our passwords. Then they ask that these passwords be regularly changed and you can never use the same password44 twice. @#&% !! It’s crazy707.

In community health nursing, I have to have a user name and password for every program I access… which is a lot. They ask for a new password at least every three months while continuing to adjust the parameters of letters, numbers, and characters. The passwords8484 become so elaborate and safe that those who create them are also locked out. It’s crazy9918!!

There was a nurse at my work who retired early. In the exit interview, they asked why she was leaving. She said she loved her job but that she had run out of passwords for all the programs she had to use.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I’m pleased to announce that Jonah Chooses Amazing is a finalist for RGM Publishing’s Book of the Year. Winner to be announced in January.