It’s an emergency Blog Post #54. It seems that my book has been leaked to the public early. I was planning to have it published for February 1st but someone close to my inner circle has betrayed me. The investigation known as “Nursing-Leaks” has begun.

It’s a Medical Condition

So in trying to figure out how to self publish my book, I ended up publishing my book sooner than I was planning. I suffered from premature publication. It is a bit embarrassing and I didn’t want anyone to know… then “Nursing-leaks” happened. What’s a Roy to do?

Words of Wisdom

1. If you want something kept on the DL, don’t tell anyone. Stay quiet and keep the Roys level to a minimum. Trust no one… not even your wife who you thought loved you.
2. You should buy my book. It supports this crazy blog and website. You can get either the hard copy traditional book with tree entrails or the digital copy good for tablets, laptops, desktop computers, and kindle devices etc.

Buy Nursing: The Funny Side of the Bedside

If you’re in the Vancouver area and looking to have your book signed, there are plans for a book release party in the new year. Thanks to everyone who supported me in this endeavor. It was a lot of fun.

Here’s a couple ending jokes. These didn’t make the cut for my book, Nursing: The Funny Side of the Bedside. I’m not entirely sure why but they didn’t seem to work. Enjoy.
The doctor had ordered for my colleague’s patient to stop drinking Boost due to diarrhea. Later in the shift, my colleague asked me to help her with a boost to get the patient further up the bed.
I said no. The doctor said no more boost.
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I was on a brewery crawl (shocking, I know). At one brewery, they offered that I could try samples of every beer one by one. They had amazing beer with great names.
They had the “Take Your Sleeping Pilsner”, the “Porter-a-Cath”, the “Pull the Chest Tube Stout”, and “Big Hug IPA”.
When we got to the IPA, the bartender said, “Ok. It’s Hug Time!”
Oh thanks. But I’ll just have the beer.
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If those jokes didn’t make it, what’s left must be pure gold.
My Editor: “Roy, you spelled crap wrong.”

Grab a double double (hold the milk and sugar) and put a few blogs on the fire because as you can see, it’s Post #53. It’s been a busy last few weeks as I try to learn a new job, travel plan for 2020, and battle a ‘man cold’ …all while also trying to figure out how to self publish a book (more on that to come).

Two Day Getaway

My wife and I enjoyed a little jaunt down to Dallas, Texas last month. We cheered on our local hockey team (The Vancouver Canucks), found some great Texas craft beers, and indulged in an amazing steak dinner. The saying is “Don’t Mess with Texas.” My wife, myself, and the Canucks did not heed that advice. We clearly should have. The Canucks got destroyed 6-1 making for a lot of sadness. Delicious steak and my emotional support demon brought back the happiness though.

As the game was happening, I had to think about happier places and happier times… like Kyoto, Japan. I took this photo at Fushimi-Inari.

It was a beautiful (and happier) day.

Bookwork

Being sick all of a November weekend, had me on the couch and working at publishing my book. I decided to revamp a large portion of it. While editing, I found it to be a little too snarky, complainy (yes, that’s now a word-ish), and negative. So, I went to work on making it more positive and constructive. Unfortunately, I do think it lost a little humor in the process but that’s also ok. It’s still the greatest book I’ve ever written. The book is set to be released on February 1st just in time for Valentine’s Day. How so very fitting as the book was written with love.

Words of Wisdom

1. Get St*ff Done.  I was recently asked how I get so much done and how I find the time. It obviously starts with working my job part time. After that, I’m not entirely sure. Resist procrastination. Don’t wait to be “motivated” and just do. Have discipline. It’s not any one thing I can point to.

2. Start the Day Right. I try to follow a routine when I wake up that leans towards getting things done (Spanish Podcasts, Reading, Writing, Working Out etc.) and stay away from the news, social media, email and other such things that create a reactionary response.

3. Good Mornings. There are a number of inspirational-motivational people who speak to getting up at 4:00am but I decided that wasn’t for me. They even say that “Losers hit the snooze button.” That’s why I just don’t set the alarm.

4. As we prepare for George Michael Memorial Day, think about your new year’s resolutions. I think you should buy more books and read more. Reading books is a great way to improve yourself. Buying books is a great way to support writers. Buy a book (like Nursing: The Funny Side of the Bedside) and read a book (like Nursing: The Funny Side of the Bedside). You and I will be better for it.

P.S. My emotional support demon is not referring to my wife.

This is more of an ending story than an ending joke. Enjoy.

The Language of Love

I was walking around downtown Vancouver when two women asked me for directions. They spoke very good English with thick accents. I asked where they were from.

The first woman replied, “I’m from Spain.”

I said, “Oh. Me gusta mucho hablar Espanol.”(I like to speak Spanish – In Spanish) 

The second woman then said, “I’m from Norway.”

I smiled and said, “Jeg liker godt å snakker norsk.” (I like to speak Norwegian – In Norwegian).

They both smiled.

The point of the story is language is amazing and fun.

The moral of the story is that now, in addition to my wife, I also have two girlfriends.

P.S. Lesly seemed fine with it and then this happened….

 

 

Konnichiwa-t time is it? It’s time for Blog Post #52. My wife and I just returned from a near two-week excursion to Japan so prepare yourself for a whole lot of Japanese themed content. We thoroughly enjoyed the food in Seoul, checking out the markets in Bangkok, and touring around Hanoi. Japan 2019 is a trip I won’t soon forget.

Japan Impressions

Being that we were in Japan for less than two weeks, I’m certainly no expert on the country. I saw a very small sample size and have a few first impressions to share. Emperor Naruhito was adamant that I show his country in a positive light and focus on its many wonderful qualities and that is what I intend to do. He also asked me not to make any jokes or sarcastic remarks when blogging about Japan. I told him that I would not be able to honor that request. He said that was ok…at least that’s what I think he said. My Japanese needs some work.

I took this photo at the Imperial Palace in Kyoto.

Thai Food and Haggis

Before departing for Japan, I had seen a lot of stories on the news about Thai Food and Haggis coming to Japan. I even thought about cancelling the trip. Then I learned that it was not Thai Food or Haggis but actually a typhoon called Hagibis. Oh, ok, then we’ll still go.

Surviving

Typhoon Hagibis was one the largest typhoons to hit Japan since 1958. Fortunately, we were staying in an area of higher ground. While we heard the wind howling through, we also experienced a small short earthquake. I thought it might be the houses foundation giving way as we get picked up and whisked away. I was ready though…

“Yoko, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansai anymore.”

On the day we left Japan, news reports had two more typhoons heading towards Japan. Just as you leave when the house says to ‘get out’, you leave the country when it says ‘get out.’

Quote of the Month:

“You should seek approval from yourself.” – Ichiro.

Words of Wisdom

1. If you go to Japan, be warned that it’s very expensive. Craft beer and coffee are quite pricey although that may have just been a price hike after the Japanese heard I was coming to visit. It made me wonder, “Yen did Japan get so expensive?”

2. Know that taxis, bullet trains, transit trains, and buses are all quite reasonably priced in Japan. Many people in Tokyo don’t even have or need a car. The one great thing, if you were to have a car, is that it’s easy and free to keep sparkling clean… as long as you can find parking near the local karate studio.

3. If you go to Japan, it can be very helpful to learn a few Japanese words and phrases. My friend Corey who showed us around Tokyo (and speaks 5 languages) told us, “A hello in the local language and a smile goes a long way.” I found that ‘arrigato’ and ‘sayanara’ got us pretty fara.

It’s time for the ending jokes. These may or may not have happened as described. Enjoy.

Karaoke is big in Japan. Walking by Karaoke Bars in Tokyo, I thought I recognized some songs but as I listened closer, it wasn’t quite the same. There was one where I thought it was The Beach Boys but upon further review; “Akita, Nagoya. Ooh I wanna take ya. To Yokohama, Tsushima. Come on pretty mama. Far from Komaki, there’s a place called Kyoto. That’s where you want to go to get away from it all…” There was another bar where I heard Mike Posner but it was also different; “I took a pill in Ebisu to show Akihito I was cool. But when I finally got sober, felt ten years older…” There was also one I went by where they were singing, Mr. Roboto. Not really a joke but funny.

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My wife and I had an elementary school teacher and her students approach us and ask if we had time for them to speak with us and practice English. We agreed and answered their questions. They spoke quite well. One question they asked was, “What other languages do you speak?” I said, “We speak Norwegian and I speak some Spanish… oh and I speak Japanese!” They looked at me puzzled for a moment as I added the essential travel – Japanese I knew, “Konnichiwa (Hello/greeting), nama biru (draft beer), Konpai! (Cheers!), and Arrigato (Thank you). The teacher scowled, quickly gathering the students and corralling them away.  “Sayanara! (So long/good bye).” Languages are fun. 

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I didn’t know that Japan was hosting the 2019 Rugby World Cup at the time we wanted to be in Japan. We met a lot of British, Irish, Australians, South Africans, and New Zealanders on our trip. I asked them, “What brought you to Japan?”

They mostly responded, “For the Rugby World Cup.”

My Response, “There’s a Rugby World Cup?”

I did not make many friends on this trip. ““Sumimasen. (Sorry)”

 

P.S. I like Thai Food.

It’s an impromptu Blog Post #51. I was planning to wait until after returning from Japan (now to be Blog #52) to post on all the sushis, blowfishes, and nama birus my wife and I will have. However, things change. Life happens… and so does death.

I find myself travelling on a ferry to a celebration of life for my good friend, Sylvia. Some of you might have read my first ever published article all about Sylvia’s fight with cancer. If you haven’t, you can read it here …and be inspired.

Friendship

Sylvia and I met in nursing school and became fast friends. She enjoyed (and amazingly also understood) my humor and I loved her passion for nursing and life. I am grateful to have been her friend.

The Book

The editing process continues and is moving forward. Sylvia finished reading the final rough draft and had told me to not change a thing. She wrote an amazing Foreword for the book and I look forward (haha) to sharing it with everyone when the book comes out.

“Just be true with yourself and you’ll succeed.” – Sylvia Moreau.

The New Challenge

I continue full time training for my new position in Community Health. I had asked Sylvia if she thought I should take this job. She said, “Yes, it’s a new challenge and it’s good to challenge yourself.”

Well, I’m challenged! You could even say I’m struggling. However, somewhere in there I’m getting better, I’m growing (frustrated?), and feeling grateful for the opportunity I have. They say that learning comes from making mistakes. If that’s so, I can proudly say that I’ve been making a lot of learnings.

Words of Wisdom

1. Enjoy Life! Enjoy every challenge, every opportunity, and every lesson along the way.

2. “Make Lasting Memories.” – how Sylvia would end all her emails.

I decided to share this joke from the book (which will be edited before publishing). It’s not fully mine. It was Sylvia’s and she had a great sense of humor. Enjoy.

“From midway through nursing school, Sylvia has been battling a rare type of cancer called carcinoid neuroendocrine cancer. Despite the challenges this condition presented, Sylvia finished nursing school and worked as a nurse before the condition forced her to retire. One day, she wrote to tell me about how she was doing:

“My bloodwork isn’t good. I’ve had some bad bowel obstructions. I can’t eat much between the episodes of vomiting and pain. Scans show tumorous masses in my intestinal tract, on my liver, and on my pancreas…but at least my prostate is ok!”

Of course, I laughed. It was all I could do to not cry. My wife asked how Sylvia was doing. I replied, “She has masses but says, ‘at least her prostate is ok.”

My wife said, “Well that’s good at least.”

“Umm, women don’t have prostates.”

“They don’t?” And I got to laugh all over again.

Then I told Sylvia about my wife’s response and we laughed and laughed some more.” 

This post is dedicated to my friend, Sylvia Moreau (obviously). She was a special person who fought a rare terminal cancer for over ten years. She was an amazing nurse, a champion for enjoying life, and one of the toughest and most caring people I have ever met. Sylvia will be missed dearly by me and my wife, Lesly as we strive to continue to “Make Lasting Memories”.

Hard to believe that I’m at Blog Post #50 already. It’s seems like just yesterday I did Blog Post #1 and it went viral. Thank you to everyone who has read this ridiculously entertaining goodness and supported this endeavour in some way over the years. It really has been fun.

It’s been a crazy month. I started full time training Mondays to Fridays to prepare for my new nursing job in Community Care. I completed my book this month as well. The irony is not lost on me that as soon as I finish a book on bedside nursing, I leave bedside nursing. Now I wait as I have two different people go over my book with a fine-toothed gnome, looking for any erorrs I may have made. I also need to ensure that all content in “Nursing: The Funny Side of the B.S.” is professionally acceptable.

Since my time is limited this month, I thought I’d share my highlights and favorite moments over the past 49 blogs. It buys me time to write more material and gives you a chance to reminisce about your favorite jokes, stories, and moments.

What Is Roy Blogging On About?

I didn’t really know where this blog was going to go when I started. I just knew I wanted to write. In the beginning, looking back, I was still trying to define the blog. Here’s a few quotes from those early days:

From Blog Post #8 : “my writing blog….a place to write my thoughts on pretty much anything; to practice an art form. There are no rules for spelling, punctuation, or grammar. It’s art.

Yeah, Roy, I know. Spelling, punctuation, grammar, terrible. I’ve been reading it from the beginning.”

From Blog Post #11 : “Each time I go to write a blob post, I always doubt if it will work and whether it will be fun and/or funny. Then it’s like I switch a flip in my brian and it turns out better than I could have hoped for (full of cheesy ridiculous stupidness).”

Every once in a while, I came up with good quotes which helped define my blog a little more:

From Blog Post #14 : “People exchange their time (something that doesn’t exist but is invaluable) for money (which is only valuable due to the meaning and worth people have given to it) and in the process lose their soul (which none of us have).”

From Blog Post #37 : “Fulfillment doesn’t come from comfort or entertainment, it comes from purpose and achievement.”

Looking back, I guess it wasn’t just all jokes, all humor, all laughs, all the time after all.

Photography

I’ve enjoyed sharing some of my photos. This was the one that got the most responses.

From Blog Post #38 : “If you missed the British Royal Wedding on TV or haven’t seen any pictures, this is my photo showing everything important that you may have missed.”

Words of Wisdom

What started out as “Health Tips” soon became “Words of Wisdom.” Here are a few of my favorites that people seemed to enjoy.

1. From Blog Post #13 : “Never work an overtime day shift after a night shift (working more than 12 hours in a row). You’ll become more forgetful than Dory on Jeopardy with Alan Trebek.”

2. From Blog Post #19 : “Have some patience when driving. The light has barely turned green and people are honking. It seems that people are honking at you before you even have a chance to finish your text.”

3. From Blog Post #34 : “Don’t procrastinate on things you want to do. Time is running out for all of us….maybe not Queen Elizabeth, Keith Richards, or Betty White….but for the rest of us; Don’t wait!”

4. From Blog Post #43 : “Have cheat days. February is the month when most people go off their ambitious new year diets. The discipline only lasts so long for most people. That’s why I love cheat meals and cheat days. They’re great for a mental break and the extra calories can boost your metabolism. Does Tom Brady have cheat days? Yes, every day…but he always feels deflated afterwards.”

5. From Blog Post #22 : “Don’t eat food that doesn’t belong to you without asking first! I recently heard a story of a restaurant cook who saw a cake in the fridge. The cook didn’t know that the cake had been dropped off by a family that had reservations to celebrate a 50th birthday that night in the restaurant. The cake was worth over $600 U.S.D. The cook ate it. So at the end of dinner, the family asked for the cake to be brought out…..no cake. The manager had the pleasure of explaining that the cook had eaten the cake (they should have said it was dropped). I hope the dinner the cook made was good. What would you say if that was your cake?

• The cook ate the cake.
• Too many cooks spoiled the cake.
• It was a piece of cake.
• It was a piece of cook.
• Cooking is a piece of cake.
• You can have your cake and eat it too.
• You can have their cake and eat it too.
• That was icing on the cake.
• That was icing on the cook.
• You can’t have your cake and cook it too.
• You can’t have your cook and cake too.
• Way to go Cookcake.

The Best of…

The most popular blog posts were:

#37. (Translating the Cold Hard WOD)

#31. (Leaving ‘Paradise’: Ode to My Dad)

#1. (First Blog Post)

My favorite moments:

From Blog Post #39 : “The Titanic was built in Belfast and the people are very proud of that fact. Belfast has the largest Titanic museum in the world. We all know it was ‘Ice’s’ fault that the Titanic sank.”

From Blog Post #41 : “I want to wish all my readers peace and Roy over the holidays. May you all have tidings of comfort and Roy. If you see Santa, remind him to stop at The Island of Misfit Roys.”

So many great moments but really it’s been all about the ending jokes. Here are a few of my favorites although they’re all great. Enjoy.

My wife’s friend was telling us about how she had recently taken up fishing and she was very excited, “I caught my first fish the other day!”

Didn’t that upset the people at the pet store?”

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My friend has had progressive hearing loss for years. She was telling me that she was going to be getting hearing aids after she was recently tested. She said, “I have trouble hearing ‘A’s, ‘O’s, ‘E’s, and ‘R’s.”

I said, “Oh my god! You think my name is ‘Y’ ??”

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My wife recently asked me, “What should we do first when we get to San Francisco?”

I said, “First thing I have to do is send a message on Twitter that says, “Rice-a-roni”.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s a San Francisco tweet.”

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I have to say this about my wife: Although she’s selfish, self centered, and usually only thinking of herself, she’s still the love of my wife.

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I was asked what the highlight was from our trip to Britain. I said, “That’s easy. It was getting the chance to hang out with The Queen in London.”

“Wow, you met The Queen?”

“Met The Queen? I’ve been married to her for 11 years.”

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This was one of my favorites. It was right after the movie “Birdbox” came out:

Britain’s separation from the European Union has been predicted to be an apocalyptic event and as such has recently been renamed, “Birdbrexit.”

A lot of British people think the whole thing is a bunch of Sandra Bullocks.

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Thank you again to everyone who has read and supported this blog 50 times (or even a few times). Here’s hoping for 50 more. Cheers!

It’s time for Blog Post #49. We’ll share some laughs, have a few giggles, and then spend the next four to five weeks trying to figure out what the heck it is I’m writing on about. When I know, I’ll let you know.

The Book Reveal

I’ve had great feedback on the excerpts from my book that I’ve shared here. I’ve also received a lot of questions about when it will be coming out. Patience. I’m building anticipation. I’ve given the book a title so you can relax knowing that there’s still progress going on. It will be called “Nursing: The Funny Side of the Bedside.” It will be an excrement resource for those who want to know a bit about what bedside nursing is like.

Speaking of funny; A funny thing happened on the way to writing a book about bedside nursing. I accepted a Community Nursing position, away from the bedside, helping to get and keep seniors out of the hospital. I’m passionate about keeping people out of the hospital; patients, seniors, visitors, nurses, everybody!… so I’m excited for this new opportunity.

Fear

This is a topic I’ve covered here before. I guess it’s because I have lots of it.

It’s not really fear that I fear, it’s letting that fear guide and control all my decisions.

While this new job is unknown and out of my comfort zone, I can’t not do it just because I’m afraid.

Quote of the Month:

“Realize that fear is there, and do the action you fear anyway.” – Peter McWilliamsmatt.

I took this recent photo of my in-law’s dog, Sitka. She often lets fear guide her decisions.

Recent Readings

I recently read; “Don’t trade your authenticity for approval.” Great advice. Also, “Don’t trade your heroes for goats. Hot asses for cheese. Hot air for a Drew Brees. Cold comfort for chains. Also don’t exchange a rock on part on the ward for a lead roll in a cave.”

I recently read; “The Old Age Pension in Canada should increase from $500 a month to $4000 a month.” Great suggestion. I fully support this…in about 25 years.

Words of Wisdom

1. It’s never too late to learn a new skill. Currently, I am trying to learn to type properly using all fingers. I’ve been a two finger typer up until this point. I’m finger-pecking good. If I’m late with a blog post, you’ll know why. This proper typing thing is slow and awkward.

2. Always, try to be helpful. My sister in law recently asked on Facebook for recommendations. She wanted to know what people’s favorite cruise line was. As any good brother in law should do, I sprung into action to help. My three favorites Cruise lines are:

“I feel the need. The need for speed.”

“Show me the money!”

“Scientology is good, right?”

*Note: I wrote the greatest line ever for this bit. However, after consulting with my legal team, I decided it was a bit too much for this ‘always professional’ blog. I opted not to include it here. I was afraid of the response from my readers, my profession, and from Tom (whose work I greatly admire). I let fear guide and control this decision. I feel shame. You know it’s bad when it is left out of a blog post where “hot asses for cheese” makes the cut.

It’s time for the ending joke with a musical theme (since I’m no longer sharing music here). Thanks to my brother in law, Mark, for this one. Enjoy.

I recently attended a family reunion on my wife’s side. My brother in law, Mark, and I were talking music and particularly the song, ‘Tiny Dancer.’ I casually mentioned that it’s one of my favorite Elton John songs. Mark said, “Elton John didn’t do that song first. It was Tina Turner.” 

I laughed and said, “She did ‘Private Dancer’, not ‘Tiny Dancer’.” 

“Oh ok.”

Not meaning to be mean, I said, “You mixing up ‘Tiny Dancer’ and ‘Private Dancer’ is hilarious. I have to put that that in my blog.”

Without missing a beat, Mark sarcastically deadpanned, “Oh no. Then three more people will know.”

*BTW FYI: Mark turned 50 this month. I thought my three readers should know.

 

 

 

RGM

July is here and it’s time for Blog Post #48. Summer on the west coast of Canada is amazing so of course I’m sitting inside working on this fantastic blog. My wife and I love to travel but we make a conscious effort to stay close to home this time of year. That’s not to say that we aren’t planning. Winter is coming and it will be here faster than you can say, “Oh My Odin. You’re still making GOT references after that mess went so off the rails?” I feel shame.

Travel Plans

My wife and I booked a trip to Japan for this fall and we’ve also booked a two-day trip to Dallas, Texas. It looks like another jaunt to Las Vegas could happen in the new year as well. I took this photo in Las Vegas in 2018. It was hot there.

The Day the Music Died

I’m taking a break from sharing music from my workout playlist. I’ve been told by reliable sources that it’s not all that popular. If I was going to share a song, it would have been Beyoncé’s “If I Were a Roy.”  (Note: I’ve been told by unreliable sources that I have the title and lyrics of this song wrong).

Book Progress

Well, it’s getting closer. I’m down to the last chapter (unless I decide to add another chapter which I’m considering). I will then start the editing process and meeting with my legal team (likely just a volunteer law student).

Book Clip

Here’s a little excerpt from my upcoming book on nursing. “There are so many abbreviations and acronyms in nursing. It can be overwhelming in the beginning when you’re first learning them. Did you know that a suppository is a supp? There are even some that cross over and have different meanings which can add to the confusion. What is P.D? Parkinson’s Disease? Peritoneal Dialysis? Personality Disorder? Peyronies Disease? For this reason, abbreviations and acronyms in nursing should only be used PRN.”

Marketing

Apparently, my book will need to be marketed after it is complete. I don’t know the first thing about marketing. I’ve been told it is quite difficult. It’s not like marketing a pho restaurant; Pho the love of Pho, Pho sure, One Pho the money-Two Pho the Show, Pho-One-One, Ready-Set-Pho, Pho-Pho-Stop, What Your Mouth is Pho, Pho Pho Gadget Food!, Knife-Spoon-Pho, Pho God and Country, Pho Honor, Eat-Pho-Love, Pho Pho’s Sake, Fee Fy Pho Fum, Pho the Love of God-Stop.

Words of Wisdom

1. Learning a new language is a fun and worthy goal. I just read about a guy who speaks 19 languages. That’s a lot to have in your brain. He must be very good at compartamentalizing things. I can barely say compartamentalize. I guess that’s why I can only speak 2 ½ languages.

2. Hemorrhoids are more bothersome than falling asleep on an Air Canada flight before landing… I recently read. When life gives you hemorrhoids, make lemons… and other fruits part of a new high fiber diet.

If left untreated, hemorrhoids can be more irritating than a drone in downtown Tehran.

When life gives you hemorrhoids, go to Tim Hortons. I recently read that donuts can help with hemorrhoids.

3. Learn how to spell “compartmentalize” so that when you use the non-word, “compartamentalize” to make a point, everyone still thinks you can somewhat write. Also, learn how to spell, “hemorrhoid” … and “abbreviation”. You never know when you’re going to be needing to get abbreviated information on either one.

4. *PRN is a nursing term for “as needed” and comes from the Latin term “pro re nata”.

This blog isn’t just funny. It also learns you stuff and makes you brainiate more efficiently.

It’s time for the ending joke. This one is from my upcoming book which should be coming out later this year. Gather your loose change (check your couch if you need to) and get ready to purchase your copy. #marketingiseasy. Enjoy.

My fellow co-worker had been to get medication and seemed rushed as she passed by me. I said, “You ok? What’s Up?”

She turned, held up a med and lubricant and said, “Tylenol Supp.” … or maybe she said, “Tylenol’s up.”

Happy June. For your reading pleasure, it’s Blog Post #47. Thank you to all who read Blog Post #46 and discovered that Blog Post #45 was not actually my last. It’s now time to put that little bit of unpleasantness in the past and move forward.

Booking to the Future

I’m excited to say that I’m back working on my book. That’s despite the fact that I’ve been busier than a dinner host for Piglet’s best friend (I’ll explain later). The summer is just beginning here in Canada and it seems to have come early. The weather has been delightful. Sunshine all day and temperatures that would make Goldilocks happy. However, there have been some challenges:

Ongoing Investigation

My Mom fell in her kitchen and broke her hip last month. We’re not entirely sure what happened. There are two theories:

The first theory is a bit unrealistic. She was in the kitchen cooking and she turned, lost her balance, and fell.

The second, and more realistic, theory is that she opened the kitchen window to get some fresh air. Little did she know that sitting on a branch on the tree just outside the kitchen window was a trollacito, a troll-like creature (almost like an Oompa Loompa). It sat there waiting patiently for opportunity.

With its long spikey discolored fingernails, the trollacito held tightly to its blow gun. “Breathe deep and slow.” the trollacito said to itself as my Mom opened the window. A rush of anticipation and air went out the single lung of the trollacito and through the kitchen window in a simultaneous dance of wind and crackling fire. The trollacito slowly removed a dart from the side pocket of his beige war-torn vest. Containing a type of curare called ‘nappytie’, the dart lay dormant in the blow gun as the trollacito quivered with hope.

Just as my Mom went to the sink, the trollacito saw the chance. “Whoooosh!…and stick.”

“Got her.” the trollacito said to itself with a wry sideways smile of satisfaction.

The dart had gone to my Moms left thigh and down she went breaking her hip in the process. We continue to try to find the offending trollacito but so far it eludes us. If I get my hands on that little Motherhunter…

My Mom is doing well. She had surgery, is recovering, is back home, and is in good spirits. The investigation into what exactly happened continues…

Hip to the Hop

In honor of my Mom, I thought I’d share some HipHop music or maybe a little Huey Lewis and the News ‘Hip to be Square’. Better yet, a little Tragically Hip ‘Little Bones’  or Weezer ‘Island in the Sun’ HipHip. Then I decided that wouldn’t be nice. So I’m sharing some more Tom Odell who I saw in an awesome concert last month. My wife and I were Magnetised.

Here’s a photo I took a couple years back of the Somass River in Port Alberni.

Coincidences

I recently read that a serial bank robber was released from custody following the completion of his sentence. In other unrelated news, there were a series of bank robberies around town. Police continue their investigation.

Words of Wisdom

1. Drink beer. It’s delicious. Last year I read that there was a study that showed beer can help stave off Alzheimer’s Disease and even improve memory. I recently said to my wife, “Hey, remember that study I told you about last year regarding beer improving memory?”

”No”

“It was Saturday May 5th at 2:34pm.You had just put on your shoes to go shopping because we needed broccoli and potatoes for dinner. You were wearing that running jacket with the broken zipper that you got rid of the following day.

”Oh yeah, now I remember.”

Pfft, studies prove nothing.

2. If you’re working as a caregiver, never use the word “quiet.” If you do, you’ll soon find yourself busier than a honeybee with Winnie the Pooh knocking on the back door asking if you have any snacks. (* from my upcoming book on nursing)

Thanks for reading. It’s time for the ending jokes. These are also in the upcoming book. Enjoy.

I overheard someone asking a 90 year old patient what the secret to a long life was.
She replied, “I don’t really know. I was never a health nut or anything. For the last 40 years or so, I always had a single shot of vodka, tequila, or rum before going to bed. Also, every day, I eat a pickle for a late night snack.

“So, you wouldn’t say there’s a magic pill or anything?”

“No… just a magic dill.”

___________________________________________________________________________________

I had a patient who only spoke Punjabi. No English. However, whenever the patient received a meal or assistance, he would always say, “Merci.” One shift, my co-worker and I helped this patient to bed and the patient said, “Merci”.

My co-worker looked at me and said, “Oh! He speaks Spanish?”

 

 

 

 

 

RGM

 

Beware of tricks, it’s Blog Post #46. I would not have expected so many readers to fall for my April Fool’s “it’s my last blog ever” comment in Blog Post #45. It was even bold and at the end of the post (where the jokes are), yet it got so many people. It was very pleasing and warmed both my atriums and ventricles. For those that were hoping that it was my last blog post, you can go to health.

My wife and I enjoyed a great Easter weekend (and a bit more) on Vancouver Island catching up with friends and family. I met someone who said, “I heard you write a blog. Is it cool?”

I said, “No. Probably not. However, in a world full of Netflix, YouTube, E-sports, online casinos, playoff pools, Mindcraft, and VR, I invent, I write, I create, I publish, I take action and I do. Now, that’s pretty cool!”

You sound like you could use a book recommendation

Work and travel have really slowed the progress of my book the last month or so. It’s been going about as well as cliff-diving walruses in Russia. I’m eager to get to working on my book again, but first I had to get this blog post out there so people could breathe a sign of read-leaf.

Here’s a photo I took earlier this year of English Bay in Vancouver. I love where I live. You should love where you live too. If you don’t, you should move.

My wife and I have been working on a few travel ideas lately. It’s important not to wait as the future is not guaranteed. My wife and I are hoping to get to Venice before it’s flooded, New Orleans before it sinks, the leaning Tower of Pisa before it falls over, and The Church of Notre Dame before Melisandre, the red priestess of R’hllor, stops by for a visit. Time is ticking.

My workout playlist has been evolving and changing a lot lately. Nothing has really been sticking for very long. This Dermott Kennedy song has had some Power Over Me and has stayed on the list.

Words of Wisdom

1. If you want to be a vegetarian, be a vegetarian. It’s just not for meat. I’ll be a vegetarian when walruses fly.

2. Make sure you have a will. Did you know that over 75% of millennials don’t have a will?

Oh no!

“I bequeath my parents home to my guinea pig, Penny, who stood by me during my difficult three weeks taking Naturopathic Psychology at the Community College. Conditional to home ownership is continuing to let my brother live in the basement. I leave all my cryptocurrency to my emotional support cat, Princess Fur-sala. She helped me get through my part time job at Starbucks. Finally, to my sister I leave my collection of captured Pokemons, my Fortnight account login information, and my student debt. Please share the selfie I likely died from taking.”

It’s now time for the ending joke. I decided to leave this one out of the book. It just didn’t seem to fit. Feel free to let me know what you think. Enjoy.

“Hey, did you get that job you applied for at the funeral home?”

“No”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t have CPR training.” 

“What? Why would you need that?”

“They said, In case a co-worker is choking on fava beans and there’s no chianti to wash it down with.”

Bonus Easter Material: Courage is important in life. Check out this video of a snake getting into a rabbit’s nest. Just as the snake is eating the eggs, the mother rabbit comes out of nowhere and gets revenge. The funny part is that the snake retreats but the mother rabbit continues to go after it going kick-crazy. Poor Snake

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RGM