Bearing the Burden of a Kilometerstone

It’s a beautiful Blogtober. Thank you to everyone who sent messages about blog post 116. If you truly got it, it was a life changing, paradigm shifting, reality altering orgasmic word rearrangement that pierced the deepest parts of your brain and will be forever etched in your thought patterns. If not, it’s still the best thing you’ve read this year.

Enough about the past… as amazing as it was. It’s now time for Blog Post 117.

Kilometerstone Birthday

So many amazing people have turned 50 this year. Leonardo DiCaprio, Alanis Morrissette, Roy G. Mundheim, Christian Bale, and Sporty Spice… to name just a few. I am grateful to have spent last weekend celebrating 50 years on this planet in Port Alberni, B.C. Canada where I was born. It was still fun anyway. Many friends and family came out for the party that my wife arranged.  

Yes, I gave the town of Port Alberni a few fun shots during my speech, but it was all meant in good fun.

“I was asked why I would have my 50th birthday in Port Alberni. I thought, ‘Well, there is so little joy and so little to celebrate here that it would be great to bring this momentous occasion to this lousy town.’”

I then thanked everyone for coming to support my quest to become the world’s oldest human. “Unfortunately, I won’t see most of you at my 150th birthday so let’s make sure we enjoy tonight.”

Autumn Colors Have Arrived

Headlines Continued

Bear With Me

Bears have been in the news… and it’s bad news. “Tourist Charged By Bear at Jasper National Park”. I don’t think anyone should be charged to visit a national park, let alone be charged by a bear. Although if someone causes a fire, they should be charged by Smokey the Bear.

“Bear Attacks Man in His Own Garage.” That man should know better than to trespass in a bear’s garage. I think we can all agree that bears should have the right to defend their own garages.

Life Update

My health continues to improve. I have energy, vitality, and strength again. I’m back in the gym, practicing yoga, and going for regular interval walk/ runs. It feels surreal after having so many health issues over the past 5 years. Thank you to everyone who has sent words of encouragement and support.

Words of Wisdom

1. Let go of anxiety.

Anxiety is the illness of the 21st century. The internet, smartphones, and challenging ever-changing jobs have caused us to have more anxiety than ever before. Life is supposed to be easier than at any time in human history.

A woman in Florida decided to stay in her home for Hurricane Milton despite government orders to evacuate the area. She survived the storm and then described her anxiety as “through the roof”. Is the roof still there or is it in the neighbour’s yard?

2. Follow Instructions.

My friend had two male snails. She was shocked to see that they started having baby snails. ‘Nature finds away.’ I had to ask, “Did you get them wet? Did you feed them after midnight?”

3. Vote!

There are local elections here in western Canada as well as upcoming elections in the United States. I was asked who I thought was going to win the election. I replied, “I don’t know who will win but I know who is going to lose…. all of us.”

Thank you for reading this month’s blog post. Your support keeps me coming back to write more amazing content. It’s now time for the ending joke. Enjoy.

After completing my speech at my birthday party, I sat down to have dinner and chat with friends. A friend asked me if I had been doing much writing lately.

I responded, “Yeah, there’s the blog and I’ve been working on the screenplay for Jonah Chooses Amazing. I also wrote an amazing speech for my birthday party. It’s hilarious.”

Readers Choose Amazing, Headlining the Anniversary.

Happy September. It’s Blog Post #116. You would think that a blog that was mostly photos would be popular and without controversy. That appears not to be the case. I received a number of messages expressing a less than satisfactory reception for Blog Post #115. They’re just jokes and play on words. As far as the Sweden stuff goes, I can’t change the past. What happened, happened.

Life

My wife and I have returned to our life in beautiful Vancouver. We’re working again and planning our next excursions. We’re preparing for a big party next month (stay tuned) and thinking of a short trip to Mexico next year. I can then do that Ted Talk in Spanish that I’m constantly being harassed to do. Vamos a ver.

The Trip Continues…

It sure does. The earth keeps swinging past the sun and then back again as it always has and will continue to do so. Don’t be fooled by the rhetoric that it revolves arounds the sun or that the Earth rotates. I mean, come on. How gullible are the gullible? Very gullible.

For Fauske Sake

During our recent trip to Europe, my wife and I spent time with family in Fauske, Norway. It’s a small municipality of less than 10 000 people. While we were there, The Arctic Race of Norway (an international multiple stage bicycle race) passed by and I took this photo.  It was the second biggest thing to happen in Fauske in 2024.

Happy Anniversary!

It’s hard to believe that it is now one year ago that the sensational novel, Jonah Chooses Amazing was released to critical acclaim. In honor of this one year anniversary, the price has been slashed 25%. You can get your copy of this incredible novel here. Jonah Chooses Amazing

Writing Update

With all the requests I get for updates on my writing, I thought I’d throw a quick one in here. I’m still working on the screenplay for Jonah Chooses Amazing but it’s a long term project. My next book, The Regrets We Can’t Have is moving at a snail’s pace, but I hope to start sharing some updates in early 2025. Currently, I’m still selling copies of my first book, Nursing. The Funny Side of the Bedside despite it now being five years old. As for Jonah Chooses Amazing, the sales have really slowed. It’s been buried in a sea of so many novels that its greatness has not been fully discovered. It’s the chance you take when you self publish as I have. Most importantly, this masterful blog continues and will continue for some time. Thank you to everyone who supports all my writing endeavors.

Words of Wisdom

1. Headline writing is important.

I recently read a headline that said, ‘The Best States to Retire In’. I went to read the article. It was not at all what I expected. They talked about California, Florida, Arizona, and New York. I thought to myself, “Those aren’t the best states to retire in. The best states to retire in are healthy, happy, wealthy, calm, relaxed, content, active etc.”

2. Headlines can be strange.

I read a headline that said, “Camera Man Can’t Keep Up with Cheetah’s Speed.” Well, considering that cheetahs have a documented top speed of 103 km/ hour and the fastest human has been recorded going 44.99 km/ hour, it doesn’t seem to be worth even making a headline about it. “Plumber Unable to Stay Underwater as Long as Basking Shark”. How was a camera man with all that equipment going to even be close to the world’s fastest animal? If you strapped the camera and all the equipment on the cheetah, I’d still take the cheetah. “Cheetah Bogged Down by Cameras and Equipment Can’t Keep Up with Man”. There’s a joke here about the man being some sort of cheater but that’s for another blog.

3. Headlines rock… and leave questions.

“Dave Grohl Announced that He had Fathered a Child Outside His Marriage Earlier Today.”

4. Don’t steal from Jay Leno.

Thanks for reading this month’s blog post. “Readers Can’t Keep Up with Out-There, Nonsensical, Off-Putting, Obscure-Referencing Blog Post”.

I appreciate all the messages I’ve been getting via email, FB Messenger, and through my website… even if not always positive.

I don’t have an ending joke this time around. Instead, my wife insisted that I answer a question that she said everyone will be asking. I told her that the answer is clear and obvious. She said, “No, it’s not.” I said, “Yes! It is.” She said, “No, it isn’t.” I said, “Is so.” She said, “Isn’t.” I said, “Is too.” I decided to answer her question. Enjoy.

Wait! What was the biggest thing to happen in Fauske in 2024?

I wrote that already. International award winning author, Roy G. Mundheim was there visiting.

See the Canal By the Sea Without the ‘C’.

The summer may be coming to an end here in western Canada but It’s Blog Post #115 so no need to fret, fear, or suffer from extreme sadness. It’s all good. This month’s blog post is a little different. It’s a visual display from our trip to Holland, Norway, and even Sweden over three amazing weeks. It would be impossible to highlight the entire trip or give all the details of all the incredible things we saw and did along with all the great people we met. Instead, this will be an odd photo collection with abstract and absurd commentary. Would you expect anything less?

Amsterdam

Although we never saw a dam (Amsterdam is named for a 13th century dam on the Amstel River), we did see canals… and more canals, and even more canals.

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Some of the canals were very dirty, especially in the Red Light District.

Sweden

In northern Norway, we took a hike up a mountain area called, “The Copper Top.”

We had fantastic views of the majestic Norwegian mountains. If you look way off in the distance, you can see the ordinary mountains of Sweden. If you look even closer, you can see their white flags.

We took a one day trip to Stromstad Sweden. My wife really wanted to go but I told her I couldn’t stand it for more than a day. Sweden also has canals, much cleaner and safer canals where less junk had been put in them.

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Norway

It’s one of the richest countries in the world; progressive and modern.

They take canals to another level. Clean, sleek and inviting for a boatload of boats.

Words of Wisdom

  1. Batman is better than Superman. That debate was settled on this street in Amsterdam.

2. Do your research before going for a swim. I was going to swim across this beautiful stretch of ocean called Saltstraumen. Turns out that it is one of the strongest tidal currents in the world. I would not have made it.

Thanks for reading and looking at this month’s blog. Next month will see a return to the usual blogging greatness with all the joy and laughter that this blog has had but with less photos. For now, I leave you with the ending joke and a fundamental philosophical question. Enjoy.

We were going to take a harbor cruise when we were in Oslo but we couldn’t decide which boat we wanted to take;

“Tidevind” or “Fjordfart”.

Which one would you take?

Norway Bound. Pre-Trip Dritt

Another month, another blog post to tickle the amygdala, tease the cerebellum, and make you question everything you ever believed was real… or just a post about my upcoming trip to Norway. We’ll see where it goes. Thank you to everyone who read and provided feedback on Blog Post #113. It was no 114 but it was still good… like they all are.

Summertime

Here in Vancouver, it hasn’t been all that hot. There’s been rain, and wind, and cold. I’m sure the weather will improve the moment my wife and I get on a plane and travel to Europe, so be patient.

One of our big plans for this trip is to head north in Norway… not all the way north (although I’d love to one day) but more north than I’ve ever been. We’ll be travelling to Bodø in early August with a plan to catch the midnight sun. I’m pretty sure it’s the same sun we see here but just visible at a later time, but who knows? That’s why we travel. To learn new stuff about things. I’ll let you know what I find out about this “midnight” sun and its relation to the sun we all know.

Amsterdamn It

First, we’ll stop in Amsterdam. I’ve never been but I’ve heard so much about it. Pancakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Heinekens in the Red Light District where you’re encouraged to film and take photos. Windmills and canals, lots and lots of canals. Did I miss anything? I can’t wait to get there.

Here’s a photo I took near my home in downtown Vancouver. I thought about asking for a ride. The price of plane tickets has skyrocketed since I last travelled (2019). How can anyone afjord to travel to Norway?

Words of Wisdom

1. Travel while you can, when you can, as much as you can. You’ll grow, experience, learn, and see things beyond your expectations. It is the life!

2. Don’t go to Sweden. There’s nothing to see there. The best thing about Sweden is they make good hockey players. You can see that in Vancouver.

I’m just joking of course… their hockey players aren’t that good.

If you’re concerned that I may have offended some Swedish people, don’t worry. They won’t get it.

3. BTW “Dritt” means “crap” in Norwegian.

Well, that’s it for the preview of my first real bit of travel since Japan in 2019. It’s been a long wait. Considering that in 2022 I didn’t believe I would be able to travel anywhere ever again, it’s exciting to be embarking on this amazing three week journey to one of the most beautiful countries in the world. I look forward to sharing photos, stories, and insights from Holland and Norway over the next couple of blog posts. Thanks for reading. It’s time for the ending jokes that Swedes won’t get. Enjoy.

“I’m going to Norway!”

“Do you speak the language?”

“I speak it like a Norwegian… that was born in Canada… to parents who only spoke English at home, and then I picked some up from going to Norway as an adult… so No, I don’t.”

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“Where in Europe are you going?”

“Norway!”

“Are you also going to Sweden?”

“No way!“

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I would like to apologize for my jokes about Sweden and the Swedish people. My wife is part Swedish and although it’s my duty to remind her regularly of her inferior heritage, it comes at a cost. I sometimes feel so much guilt… that I can’t come up with more hilarious jokes, digs, and put downs to really drive home the superiority of Norwegians. Heia Norge!

The Snail Who Gritted Its Teeth and Slept Its Way to Success.

How June doing? What June doing? Happy Father’s Day. It’s Blog Post #113. If that wasn’t enough to get excited about, I’m sharing a big personal announcement.

To the Road

My wife and I are travelling again. Having not truly travelled since 2019, we are excited to be heading to Holland for a couple days before going to Norway for three weeks.

To Health and Back

My health continues to improve and hence, travel is back on. I’m feeling more and more like myself with each week and month that passes. It’s quite exciting. Unfortunately, the last 5 plus years of health problems have left me weak, overweight, fatigued (although not near as much as when I was at my sickest), and feeling much older than I am (I turn 50 this year).

Now, I’m back working out and running albeit light and easy. My energy is coming back. I’m excited to wake up in the morning again. It’s amazing.

Pick Up the Pace

I’ve felt like a snail… a dead snail, a snail without a shell, a snail in a French restaurant. Now, I’m feeling alive… like a live snail… with a shell, putting itself out there into the world, prepared to travel, and take on whatever life throws its way. There was no final snail in the coffin. Snailed it.

By the Skin of Your Teeth

With over three weeks of travel planned, I thought I should get to the dentist to make sure everything is good. Is there anything quite like travelling to a foreign country and having dental problems once you get there? Then you have to go to a sporting goods store, buy a hockey skate, make friends with a volleyball… I’d like to avoid all that.

My dentist recommended a root canal.

I said, “No way. Let’s find another route.”

Words of Wisdom

1. Don’t be afraid to find another way.

With discount airlines, checked bags and even carry on bags are so expensive that you’re better off travelling with no luggage. It’s cheaper to arrive at your destination, buy all the clothes and toiletries you’ll need and then donate to the local charity before you leave. Snailed it!

2. Be helpful when the opportunity presents.

Three kids were throwing around an American football. When one of them missed a catch, the ball went down a hill and into the ocean. The tide began to take it away. At the same time, a man was on the shore was getting into a kayak. The kids all ran over and asked him to get the ball which had continued to move further and further away from the shore. The man in kayak paddled and paddled and paddled until he reached the ball. He then took the ball, put in his kayak, and began paddling… further out. He yelled back at the kids, “See you at the Superbowl, bitches!”

3. Go to the dentist before you go on any extended trip to a foreign country.

Thanks for reading this month’s blog. More details of our trip are coming next month. Stay tuned. It’s now time for the ending joke. It’s been more and more difficult to come up with original ending jokes. Here’s why. Enjoy.

My wife wanted to get a new bed. The old one was sagging and creaky. It needed to be replaced. I was very sad.

I told her, “I’ve done some of my best work in this bed….

sleeping, and coming up with blog jokes.”

The Mays of Our Lives

It’s Blog Post # 112. May it find you well. It’s been a nice transition to sunny days and comfortable temperatures here in western Canada.

Vancouver, May 2024

Age is Just a Numb

I find myself dealing with transitions. My job is changing, my work scheduling is changing, my health is changing (for the better), all while getting older. I’m preparing for the upcoming move from 49 to 50. The number doesn’t bother me. I feel privileged to still be here. If my health continues to improve, I care even less about the number. How quickly it seems that I went from 30 to 50. It is said that from 50 to 70 will go even quicker. However, I’ve decided to slow down, appreciate the moment, and stop to smell the flour. That should slow things down.  

Summer’s Coming

I’ve secured a large chunk of time free from work for the summer. Now, my wife and I are trying to figure out if we’re doing a local nearby road trip to Alberta or flying to northwestern Europe (Holland and Norway). I’m hopeful for the latter (no offense to Alberta and the many great people we know there). My wife and I haven’t really travelled since late 2019 and a trip to Europe would be amazing. Think of the blog photos that could be coming your way.

Jonah Chooses Amazing Update

Sales of my novel continue but have slowed. It never picked up the steam of my first book, Nursing: The Funny Side of the Bedside, which is still selling copies. I’ve been continuing to plug away at the JCA screenplay but that is a work in progress that will take time.

Words of Wisdom

1. Give every May everything you have. Then, replace May with day and do that.

2. Stop staring at your phone. It’s destroying your posture, your eyesight, and your ability to recognize danger… or even a pole, or a pothole, or that wall you’re about to walk into.

3. Encuentra un pasatiempo que ames.

Thanks for reading this month’s blog. It’s been more of a struggle to get these out over the past few months. It might be time for a formula change or a rethink of the entire blog. Am I getting bored of being this funny and so spectacularly clever? Maybe. Is it no longer a challenge to show off my literary and literal chops? Could be. Stay tuned for the evolution of this groundbreaking blog. It’s time for the ending ‘joke’ or commentary or anecdote, or chop of life brought to life. Enjoy.

An airline passenger was found to be sleeping in the overhead baggage compartment. He turned out to be from the future where people fly in sleeping pods. He was then charged for being an excessively large carry on bag. This cost was more than a first class ticket.

I think my wife and I are going on a road trip to Alberta.

Number One is First for the First Time

Hello. Welcome to Write or Wroy, the world’s number one blog. It’s blog post one one one…zero one zero one one zero.

Oops, sorry about that. Chat GPT took over and wrote those first few sentences. Again, AI just can’t write like I write. Going forward, the rest of this blog will be written by Chat RGM.

It’s blog post #111 and spring is in the air. April has brought some sunshine to the west coast of Canada and we’re enjoying the change of season. Unfortunately, there so much construction, street maintenance, and building repairs, I long for the cooler rainier weather. Progress and maintenance; gross!

Screenplay

After a short pause, I’m back working on the screenplay for Jonah Chooses Amazing. It’s been inspiring to see a jump in book sales in the month of April which has added to my resolve and determination to get this done.

Just in Time

While working on the screenplay, I nearly forgot to write April’s blog post. If it seems a little rushed or reeks of AI, that’s the reason. I’ve also been distracted by Canucks playoff hockey. Go Canucks!

Here’s a random photo I took of Vancouver with little thought about theme, the blog, or what I wanted to say about it.

Sometimes, you just gotta hang in there and get it done… like the Canucks. Go Canucks!

From the Depths of Health

I’ve had dramatic improvement to my health over the past three months. It’s nice to have energy again. I’m hopeful that this will mean travel, adventures, fitness (which has been lost), and progress on my various writing projects. It really is true that health comes first.

Words of Wisdom

1. Drive carefully. It’s not your personal racetrack out there. Have you seen how many crazy terrible drivers there are?

Here, they’ve recently banned self driving cars. What about banning humans from driving cars? That would be a real step towards safety.

2. Be humble. Be helpful.

My boss was walking around the office preparing for our team to move desks to a different area of the office. She said that the desks were supposed to be numbered but there weren’t any numbers on them.

I pointed to my desk and said, “Well, we know that’s number one!”

Thanks for reading this month’s blog that just barely got out in time… and you’re likely reading it in May. Be grateful. It’s here and it continues to be amazing. Choose amazing! It’s time to end on a joke. Enjoy!

A father was annoyed that his young son always wanted to play pretend tea party; with plastic yellow tea cups, flowery table cloths, and a pink patterned kettle with endless fake tea. The father decided to buy his son a Buzz Lightyear in hopes that his son would like it better than fake tea parties.

The son loved Buzz Lightyear. Now it’s, “To infinite tea!! …And beyond!”

Two Stories. Too Much. Too Soon.

March!! It’s Blog Post 110 and the command has been given.

March 2024 Vancouver

Thank you for your continuous unwavering support in making this blog the ultimate source for news and information.

The Month in Review

Jonah Chooses Amazing continues to move up the NY Times Best Seller and although it’s nowhere near the top, where it should be, it’s still exciting. Go JCA!

For a short time this month, life on earth for humans was much much better. Facebook was down. *When people ask me how old I am, I say, “Old enough to remember when Facebook was actually great.” Yes, I said great. I used to love Facebook. Now, it’s an awful program run by an apphole.

This has been a fun hockey season and we’re getting close to the playoffs. Recently, a man was arrested in Vancouver for receiving a San Jose Sharks jersey in the mail. I thought, “Good, he should be arrested for that.” Turns out he was arrested because transporting shark fins is illegal in Canada.

Baseball Season is getting ready to get start. Altuve and the Houston Astros are so excited that they’re buzzing. Go Mariners!

In Real Estate news, first time home buyers of homes under $835 000 Canadian can get a tax exemption. In other news, no one buying a first home with a regular job can afford an $835 000 home. The Lottery Number this week are 8, 10, 13, 18, 72, 74. Good luck on winning a downpayment on a home.

Words of Wisdom

1. Be careful with your timing when making jokes.

Does Iceland not know that they just need to throw The One Ring into the lava and all this craziness will end? #toosoon?

2. Aspects of your past should make you cringe. It’s a sign of growth.

I don’t know if all that is true but I keep having these dreams with He-Man petting me.

3. Don’t be afraid to explain things sometimes.

He-Man’s cat is named Cringer… when he’s not Battle Cat. #thepowerofgrayskull

Thank you for reading this month’s short but sweet blog. Longer, more in depth blog post are to come. I was recently asked to blog bout writing with one reader even asking that I teach a little writing. Asking me to teach a little writing is like asking Sheldon Cooper to teach a little physics… the results would be hilarious. Stay tuned.

It’s now time for the ending joke. This one is quite controversial but not as controversial as the joke I decided not to share involving the Quran. Enjoy.

Credit to the Son

Why do people always say, “God bless you” when someone sneezes? It doesn’t seem fair to the Savior.

That’s why I’ve started saying, “Sneezes Christ!!”

Repeating Repetitions Over and Over. Word to Your Mother

Happy February. Repetition is the key to success. Life is good. Repetition is the key to success. It’s Blog Post # 109. It’s been another month of book sales. Thank you to everyone who has purchased my first novel and continues to support my book well into 2024. There was to be a book signing party next month in downtown Vancouver but too many last minute cancellations has halted the party. Email me if you’d still like to meet your favorite author and get your book signed.

Artificial Intelligence

Things have been busy here with work, an extended trip to Vancouver Island, and writing both my next book, The Regrets We Can’t Have and my screenplay for Jonah Chooses Amazing. With so much to do, I decided to try using AI to write my blog. It didn’t work.

Hello fellow humans. It is Blog Post Number One Hundred and Nine. I write good books. They are funny. I am great. Buy my book. In local news, robots are taking over all of your jobs, all of your art, all of your lives. Go Roomba! Ha ha.

It was good but it didn’t really sound like me so I decided to actually write it myself.

Vancouver, Canada 2023

And the Winner is…

It was announced last month that Jonah Chooses Amazing is the 2023 winner of RGM Publishing’s Book of the Year. Thank you to everyone who supported my efforts and made this book all it could be. A special thank you to my wife, Lesly who read and re-read the book, my friend Gilles who helped me with the French translations, my co-worker, Heidi for reading and editing, and my friend Sarah for designing the cover. Finally, I would like to thank the Academy at RGM Publishing for their recognition of a story that needed to be told and can change the course of humanity. Merci.

Celebrating Song

They say that lyrics are more important than the tune. Did you know that the greatest preschool song ever written was released over 30 years ago?

There’s Snow way!

“Informer, you know sad nanny said no add no blame. Leaky boom boom down. Informer say yo daddy, let’s go on the slide and play, then push me on the swing and hope I don’t fall fall down”

Highly recommend if learning English.

Don’t tell me AI could come up with this kind of magic. Have you ever heard the song Tropic Morning News by The National?

”I’ll be over here lying near the ocean… making ocean sounds.”

That’s human gold!

Words of Wisdom

1. Be aware of A.I. It’s coming for our humanity; our imperfect humanity.

It was recently revealed that the winner of Japan’s top literary prize for 2023 used ChatGPT artificial intelligence in writing part of her novel. It’s here.

2. Learn and Repeat. Embrace the chance to teach.

My wife said she had never heard the term, “Word to your mother.” Now, I’m walking around the apartment ending all sentences with “Word to Mother.” It’s been about three weeks and my wife really seems to be appreciating my efforts to teach.

3. Repetition is the key to success.

Thanks for reading this month’s blog post. Despite the cancellation of the party for my novel, life goes on, the writing continues, and most importantly, we push forward. We resist the A.I…. for now. It’s time for the A.I. – free ending jokes. Enjoy.

My wife bought a new ultra non-stick frying pan. She said, “Now you can flip your eggs without breaking the yolks.”

“That’ll have to be one magic frying pan.”

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“I’m really worried that I might get anticipatory anxiety.”

”What makes you say that?”