Found an unexpected chunk of time to write so it’s a premature Blog Post #18. I just got a double double from Tim Hortons (hold the cream and sugar) so I’m ready to blog my face off. Thanks to those who sent feedback on Blog Post #17. It seems I’m not the only one who loves chicken eggs and sarcasm…. deeelicious. There are no writing updates since my last post. I’ve had a lot of no-responses to e-mails as I look for new forums for my writing. That’s why I’m blogging here again and doing what I love; The ridiculousness of this piece of light in the dark dark abyss of the interweb.

As a huge fan of movies (Remember such jokes as Star Wars wedding date, Lego Meow Batman, and “Kalimaa!!”), I am considering writing movie reviews. There are a number of volunteer opportunities out there as well as paid gigs. Movies can be a great way to reflect on our lives and the meaning of it all. Recently, my wife and I watched Kedi. For those who don’t know about Kedi, it’s the anti-Kong movie. While Kong is a cliché, repeat, over-done, Hollywood piece of craft, Kedi is a love-in with a thoughtful, heart-felt insight into the lives of a few street cats in Istanbul, Turkey. My wife and I lost our beloved cat, Misha, last year and have been taking the time needed to deal with and heal from the loss. Watching Kedi put a smile on our faces and reminded us why we love cats.

*Disclaimer: I have not watched Kong.

We are now considering adopting two cats before the end of the year. We don’t have a large place and there is a fear that we’ll be drowning in cats. The last thing we want to do is turn into the Crazy Cat Couple consumed by cat culture and communicating in Morris Code. Some of the people in Kedi were a bit cat obsessed. One lady was crazier than Tom Cruise at a bible convention. We want to avoid that. Why two? We travel a lot. They can keep each other company. They’ll be already bonded. Getting two will also help us avoid the comparing and feeling that we’re replacing Misha.

Pets who bond with us can be a great source of comfort and joy. The health benefits of walking a dog or playing with a cat are measurable and clear. The feeling of contribution and the bonds we establish with our pets improve our mental and emotional well being. It also makes the loss of our pets so difficult and heart-wrenching. Then comes The Crying Game.

Why are movie snacks so terrible? I can only speak to the theatres I’ve been at. Where’s the protein? There should be protein bars, protein drinks, almonds, pepperoni sticks, milk, veggie snack bags, Greek yogurt, blood sausages etc. I love popcorn and do indulge at the movies sometimes but why the health aren’t there more options?

Words of Wisdom This is a new segment trial run where I used to call it Health Advice. It’s advice or random ideas I have that you can use, think about, and/or discard. It’s not necessarily what I believe but can sometimes be funny, weird, or completely true. Send me feedback on what you think of it and whether I should continue with it.

1. Always get the small popcorn. It’s enough to get the taste and very few of us need those extra calories. What’s in that “butter” anyway? Some type of goodness with unicorn blood.

2. Leave your phone alone at the theatre. I don’t mean during the movie. That should be a given. I mean in the bathroom after the movie where everyone is checking out their cell phone to see what’s happened in the last two hours. Use the bathroom first and then leave the bathroom, then take out your cell phone. Otherwise, you are in the bathroom with a camera out. Stop that! When people bring out their cell phone in the bathroom, it makes me angrier than John Wick at an abusive puppy mill.

3. Movies often have great messages. (insert sarcasm warning here)The message I got from Beauty and the Beast was ‘If you’re not good looking, you must have a curse’. The message from Deadpool was better, ‘If you’re now ugly, wear a mask’.

*Disclaimer: I have not watched Beauty and the Beast.

It’s time for the ending jokes that everybody (especially me) loves. If you liked my previous Swedish jokes, you’ll like this one. Enjoy.

For my wife’s grandparent’s anniversary we were asked to dress like the 40’s. My wife’s grandfather is Swedish. I thought I’d try to dress like a 1940’s Swedish soldier. I Google imaged Swedish soldier in the 1940’s. There were no results.

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The rain was coming down in buckets as we walked by a film crew working on Supergirl. My wife said, “I feel bad for them filming Supergirl in this torrential rain storm.”

I replied, “I feel bad for them too. They’re filming Supergirl.”

*I found out after writing this that someone I know works on this show. I decided to write it anyway as it’s a joke and I have not actually seen the show. Sorry Adam.

After some delays, barriers, and logistical issues, Blog Post #17 is finally here. April has been a crazy month and it has been difficult to sit down and do some writing. After my rant/blog post about not working full time, I’m currently working the equivalent of full time. My wife and I just returned from a great trip to Vancouver Island seeing friends and family. We enjoyed a crab feast at my parent’s place, checked out two new breweries, and attended my wife’s grandparent’s 70^th wedding anniversary. It was an honour to be there.

While not having time to write is not new and will always be an issue as long as I’m working as a nurse, working out, spending time with my wife, and travelling, I have had some other set-backs with writing. It has been a bit disappointing. One editor I had developed a rapport with has left her job. Another editor informed me that they’re scaling back business. It now feels like I’m starting all over again. Like my beloved Vancouver Canucks, it’s time for a rebuild. I do have an article coming out next month on renting in Vancouver. It can be quite a challenge as prices continue to climb. It’s no secret that I love living in this city. Apparently, I’m not the only one.

Food : As mentioned my wife and I enjoyed a great crab feast on Vancouver Island. It was clawesome! Currently, I have a sinus infection so I’m also enjoying regular warm oysters (if you don’t get that, I apologize) (if you get that, I apologize). I recently saw an ad that said ‘Free-Range Eggs’ because we all know eggs need the freedom to roll around and that walls can be detrimental to the well being of eggs. Eggs are amazingly healthy and delicious. They’re a staple of my diet. In Mexico, we made eggs every single day. Eggs are about 70 calories with 6-8 grams of protein and 5 grams of fat. It’s a near-perfect food. What did come first, the chicken or the egg? It was the egg. God made them to feed the animals. She then hid some so they could become chickens…..and that’s how hiding eggs became an Easter thing!

Here are some recent health tips I’ve come across and I thought I’d pass on…partly for amusement (not necessarily ones I’m advocating):

1. Don’t buy the KFC Family Pack without a family.
2. McDonalds are going to deliver….obesity, heart disease, and strokes….directly to your door. Skip!
3. Aspartame is natural. What?! ….well nothing is actually artificial. Honey is natural as it’s made by bees. Aspartame is  natural as it’s made by humans. Humans are part of nature. That being said, don’t eat or drink anything with aspartame. (I will write about my experience with aspartame in a future blog post).

Thanks for reading my rantings and supporting my blog. As usual, it’s the original ending jokes. I had selected a great joke but my wife informed me that it may possibly offend. So, I’ve gone with these ones instead….which may also offend. Know this: I love working in geriatrics. They have so much to teach us and their sense of humour can be show-stopping. Enjoy!

I had a patient who was 98 years old. She looked amazingly well for 98 and being admitted to hospital. I said to her, “You’re 98? Looking pretty good.”

She replied, “Yeah. It’s my dream to make it to 104 and be killed by a jealous wife!”

I laughed, “That’s awesome!”

She then asked, “What are you doing after work? 😉 ”

😮

 

*Events have been altered and names have been changed to protect privacy and avoid embarrassment.

My grandparents are not very good with technology. When my wife and I wanted new cell phones, we waited until my grandparents decided to get new cell phones. Then we told them to get the best, most expensive, and latest phones possible. They’re the only ones that will work. So once they got their Google super phones, they asked us how to text and we told them,

“Write a message in the phone, then place the phones in a bubble wrap envelope and mail them to us. That’s how you text.”

Now we have new Google phones.

 

*The following is exaggerated, made up, altered, and not a reflection of real nursing care. Have a sense of humour before proceeding.

I took a course on improving nursing care. The instructor asked us questions (remember the ‘Have you been to a birth?’ question). That’s a mistake.

Instructor: Can anyone give an example of how knowing what a person with dementia was like before their disease helped with their care?

Person #1: We had a woman in long term care who used to be a housecleaner. We gave her a mop and she was happy to clean the hallways. She would sing and clean.

Instructor: Great example. Any other examples?

Person #2 There was a gentleman with Alzheimer’s who used to work in a care home. On evening shifts, we would have him help us set up the towels and facecloths for the next morning. He didn’t need to be shown where things went or how it was to be done. He just knew it and did it.

Instructor: Good. Roy, do you have an example?

Me: I was working with a former football player who had dementia. One day I just ran down the hall and tackled him into the linens. He stayed down for a while. I stood and taunted him for a bit, “Get Up! This is my house!” Oh, and there was another time when I took care of a former kick-boxer……

Can you believe? It’s Blog Post #16! It’s been quite the journey to becoming a writer. Have you seen the updates on the site? Click on the Menu. I added Photography and updated the About page. I’m not a photographer but some of my photos have been included in my written pieces so I thought I’d showcase them in one location. This week saw another article published with City Mash Vancouver as I explore the need for diners to keep tipping in local restaurants. Check it out here: https://www.citymash.com/vancouver/2017/03/23/why-vancouver-diners-need-to-keep-the-tipping-culture/

It’s a hot button issue that not everyone agrees on, so I thought I’d write about it and settle the issue once and for all. Being that I’m never wrong, my authority should be unquestioned! In reality, the opposite is true. I’m wrong, you’re wrong, we’re all wrong….a lot. It’s part of being human. I recently had someone at work say, “If you do your research, you’ll find that you’re wrong!” Wouldn’t it be nice to tell people what you really think….to say what you really want to say? That’s what your blog is for. “I may very well be wrong. I’ve been wrong before. I’ll be wrong again. I’m not afraid to be wrong or mistaken. I’ll accept those consequences. If it turns out I’m mistaken, I’ll acknowledge it, apologize as appropriate, and move on to my next mistake.” I spoke with a higher level of management and it turns out, I was right….unless they were wrong? I remember being wrong more than I remember being right which is apparently an important survival mechanism. I was wrong, there is a heard of lions behind that tree. Good thing I run faster than Dinkenesh:). or I was wrong, there are wampas out here. Good thing I have a light sabre, tauntauns are warm inside, and wampas can put stars on Christmas trees when their teeth are removed. I should probably explain the last few sentences but I won’t. I will, however, point out that I first wrote about writing and then wrote about wronging. Let the fun continue…

Run Roy Run

For us who are on the west coast of Canada, it has been a particularly long and harsh winter. Only now does it look to be that Spring may start springing. The long Winterfell-like winter here on Hoth has limited my outdoor activities and kept me to more indoor endeavours. It’s now time to get back out there and get running. Running is an interesting conundrum for us humans. We’re actually not that good at it. It can cause injury, muscle reduction, and, some say, increase our rate of aging. So why do it, Roy? First, I don’t do it a lot, only 2-3 times a week. I try to mix up the pace with interval running, sprinting, jogging, and walking. Walking is definitely something we, as humans, are good at. I run because it helps me in so many aspects of life. I find it mentally de-stressing and rejuvenating. I use it for weight management and cardiovascular fitness. I enjoy the feeling of being fit enough to run….not something everyone can say. I have no plans to run a race (5km, 10km half-marathon etc.) but instead just to put on my headphones, listen to music, and go. It’s not my life or passion but more of a tool (one of many) that helps keep me fit and healthy.

The feedback on Blog Post#15 was that I was a bit mean to my wife in the ending jokes. It’s really just part of our banter. I’m not saying that I’m sarcastic but if I entered, So You Think You Can Sarcasm, they’d likely insist I be tested for performance-enhancing drugs. My wife knows this and there are enough good laughs to keep her from leaving because Odin knows she doesn’t always get my jokes. So with that I end with a joke where the tables are turned. Enjoy.

My wife showed me her hand and said, “I’ve got a little wart here on the side.”

I said, “Ewwww. You’re warty!”

She replied, “Of course I am. I’ve been kissing a frog for years.”

Actually, I think it was the other way around and it was my wart and I said I’ve been kissing a frog for years. The details are a little hazy.

 

It’s Blog Post #15, the post vacation edition. My wife and I had a great trip to Mexico last week. No Peña Nieto talk, just food, beer, and shopping. We enjoyed the beach, the markets, and the sight-seeing. Although we drank too much beer, I found time to get my leg workout in. I also found a decrepit rooftop gym to complete an upper body strength session. When life gives you lemons, they say you should make lemonade. When life gives you limes, you open a Corona or five. The real lemon is Corona (sorry, Corona fans) so the lemon and limes went together well. We did find some delicious Mexican craft beer from Colimita Brewing (Colima, Guadalajara) at 5 times the price of Corona and Pacifico. It was worth it. We spent only six days in Mexico but it was the right amount of time for us. When you love where you live and the life you’ve created, it’s easy to return home from vacation.

Mexico

We stayed in a cheap seaside town called Rincon De Guayabitos (Rincon: The Guy Who Beat Us). It’s named for Rincon who raced to the best bay in the area. The next town over is Raul y Hugo De Guaysacamisegundo (Raul and Hugo: The Guys Who Came Second). We took a day trip to Sayulita (named for the woman who found a better, more-surfable beach than Rincon, Raul, or Hugo). Sayulita is a tourist town with construction everywhere. The latest urban development is called Gringo Hill (not a joke). Our restaurant server at Wanda’s proudly stated, “Everything is %80 more expensive here than in Guayabitos!” On this cloudy day in Sayulita My wife and I ordered the delicious Colima Pale Ale (Panamo) while my mother-in law ordered “Sol”. The server was awesome and said, “we don’t have that….as you can see. I don’t have the power to get that for you.” May need to explain that Sol is a Mexican beer and also the word for sun in Spanish.

Sayulita

It was a busy eventful day in Sayulita. There was construction on the main road entering the town causing traffic chaos. There was a large political rally for what we believe was a mayoral candidate. There was also a huge funeral procession where hundreds of people were following an SUV with a coffin throughout the town. The only thing missing was sunshine, although it was plenty warm.

Sitting at a roadside bar (The Sayulita Public House), we observed two ‘gringo’ women trying to parallel park their golf cart. They had the room to park a semi but somehow managed to look like Austin Powers doing his three point turn. As the women drove away laughing at their failed attempt to park, we thanked them for the entertainment. A short while later, they returned. One of the women, looking at the huge group of people gathered at the church, asked us, “Is that a wedding or a funeral?” My wife responded, “It’s a funeral.” I added, “It was tragic. The person tried to parallel park a golf cart and didn’t make it.” And we laughed …and laughed.

Moderation

I was recently asked how I could work out and promote health while writing about beer and drinking. It’s because I believe health is about moderation. Beer and wine have been around forever. Millions of people enjoy it. While not my thing, liqueurs and spirits have been enjoyed by generations of people. This is true of chocolate, ice cream, butter, and baked goods. Some of the longest lived people enjoy wine on a daily basis. The point is life should be healthy while also enjoyed. There’s a balance that I believe in and have built my life around. I think about what my tombstone would say (although I don’t want a tombstone). Cremate me.

Roy Mundheim: He deprived himself of everything he enjoyed so he could be his healthiest.

Or

Roy Mundheim: He overindulged on everything he enjoyed and let his health go.

Or

Roy Mundheim: Enjoyed life

 

It’s the ending jokes. I told my wife recently that I wrote a joke.

She asked, “Is it bad?”

I replied, “I don’t write bad jokes!”

And we laughed….and laughed.

So with that, I make fun of my wife (Don’t worry, she says she’s not offended. People from Sweden however….). Enjoy.

 

Wife (who is part Swedish): “It’s cold outside.”

Me (Norwegian): “I’m just going to wear my sweater.”

Wife: “You should wear a coat. I’m wearing a coat.”

Me: “That’s you. You come from people who stay in their warm houses while Nazis walk uncontested through their land. I come from people who resisted tyranny, were bombed by the Germans, and fought the fight keeping hard water from getting into the hands of evil!”

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 Wife: “I saw two eagles walking to work yesterday.”

Me: “How do you know they weren’t going to the movies or something?”

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 In Mexico last week….

I was sitting by the pool at the hotel getting eaten alive by bugs. I got out of my chair.

My wife asked, “Are you going upstairs to get Off?”

Set Barbie’s husband on fire! It’s time for Blog Post #14. Reading is always more enjoyable if you have a comfortable spot, light a Ken-doll, and just get lost in the author’s words. Next week I’ll be leaving this long winter for a short trip to Mexico but thought I’d first put out another blog post. I have recently learned many life lessons from Lego Batman and I felt it was important to share those lessons with you.

Thank you to everyone who suggested or voted for various names for my site. Roy Story 2, Roys in the Attic, and StarRoy were all considered. I’ve decided to leave it as is for now. Apparently naming my site can be construed as naming a business and can have tax implications. Who knew?

I have been working on a number of writing projects lately. Recently, a fun piece I wrote on session beers was published at City Mash Vancouver https://www.citymash.com .

If you haven’t had a chance to read it, check it out here: https://www.citymash.com/vancouver/2017/02/21/less-is-more-with-metro-vancouvers-best-session-ales/

City Mash is a fun site covering all things Vancouver. I have more projects with them coming up soon. With the focus on local Vancouver happenings for City Mash, some of my other writing projects have had to take a back seat. Luckily, I still have this ridiculous (and awesome) blog to be an outlet for more less-conventional writings.

Work!  

Who loves working? I just completed three 12-hour night shifts in a row at the hospital and I’d have to say, “I’m not loving work right now.” Finding an effective and enjoyable work life balance is a hugely important issue which I have focused on immensely over the last year or two. I used to work full time and found that I was better, more focused, and much more effective when working part time. I also work in a variety of settings (various floors at the hospital including medicine, dementia-care, tuberculosis, palliative care etc.) I also pick up shifts working in hospice end of life care. I enjoy the change and mixing it up. I find it’s good for my soul (which doesn’t exist). The variety keeps me in the dark with James Bond (Here, you’ll need to explain that Variety is the spy’s off-light. Even then, it’s likely people are going to think it’s ridiculous….perfect!).

Time

Exchanging your time for money: The worst trade since cow for beans in 1734. Time (which doesn’t actually exist) is far more valuable than money. Time can’t be replaced and is limited. So what are you doing with your time? I made the decision a while ago to use my time doing things I love. It’s one the catalysts to starting this blog and beginning my writing career (or hobby, or passion, or whatever). If that means working less and making less money, so be it. This week I’m free from work. I’m not going anywhere and there’s no reason I couldn’t work (hospital nurses are called every day to come in and work). I’m just going to focus on myself (massage, physio, haircut, writing, workouts, wine etc). Then I’ll work a shift on the weekend before going to Mexico for a week! While I’m hearing, “Well that must be nice!” through my computer screen, know this: We create our lives. We decide how we want them to be (consciously or subconsciously). We have in our minds how much we think we should have (money, time for our passions, things/stuff etc.) and then we follow the steps that get us there. What if we changed our thoughts on what we should have or want? I don’t need a boat, a car, a house etc. I need time for what I enjoy doing instead. The decision is ours.

“People sacrifice their health for money. Then they sacrifice their money to regain health” – Dalai Lama

“People exchange their time (something that doesn’t exist but is invaluable) for money (which is only valuable due to the meaning and worth people have given to it) and in the process lose their soul (which none of us have)” – Roy Mundheim

“Life doesn’t come with a seatbelt” – Lego Batman

Money

Ok, so money does matter. How much is enough? The important issue is not how much you make or have, it’s how much you spend. If you make a million dollars a year but spend two million a year, it’s easy to see where you’d end up. My friend was working at a company that suddenly laid off a bunch of their workers. Counsellors were brought in to speak with those that were losing their jobs, including my friend. The counsellor asked her how she was doing. This was her response (artistic license invoked here).

“I’m fine. You should speak with others. This job is their whole life. This job is not my life. It’s a means to an end, a tool that allows me to pursue my outside interests and passions; the things that really matter.”

So that’s my thoughts on money. It’s a tool to be used and not a thing that must be pursued at all costs (my joy, my passion, my health, my time).

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Health Tips

To be healthy, you need the three “P”s:

• Green Peas
• Burpees
• Regular pain-free, blood-free pees

Do not try to sun tan. It’s not good for your skin. It’s a pigment of your infatuation.

“Never skip leg day” – Lego Batman

Thanks for reading my blog (unofficially HellthRoy). As usual I have an original joke….ugh. I ran this one by family and friends and no one got what I was going for. It needed explaining. I have written it twice in two different formats. I’ve then explained it (not a good sign for a joke). If you know a way it can be improved, please email me your suggestions (if you’re suggesting delete it, skip it, or don’t use it…..that’s already been said). Enjoy.

Q. What did Cat Woman say when she burst in on Bruce Wayne and Wonder Woman eating breakfast together?

A. Lego my Batman

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Q. What did Cat Woman say when she burst in on Bruce Wayne and Wonder Woman eating a waffle breakfast together?

 A. Lego my Batman

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There are two meanings as Lego Batman is a movie out right now and “Leggo my Eggo” is the slogan for Eggo waffles that I thought everybody knew.

Bonus Add On: Here’s another version of the joke with a possibly better punch line.

Q. What did Cat Woman say when she burst in on Bruce Wayne and Wonder Woman eating breakfast together?

A. Lego meow Batman

Cats say “meow” and it’s Cat Woman that says to Wonder Woman that she should let go of her Batman. Bruce Wayne is Batman.

 

 

Finally. It’s Blog Post #13. After working on a number of other writing projects, I’m finally back to my love and passion; this crazy, ridiculous blog. I’ve been told that I should name my blog….something other than Roy G. Mundheim, Freelance Writer. I’m hoping a few people out there might help me. Email me and tell me which of these names I should go with:

1. Writer Roy, Write or Roy, Right or Wroy
2. HellthRoy (kinda like Hellboy but more funny while a little more pale and not as good looking)
3. StarRoy (as sung by The Week’nd)

I am also looking for a slogan for my blog/site but it needs a bit of work. Suggestions are also welcome on this one.

Health: The joke is at the end.

Health: The end is the funny part.

The Healthy Life: You’ll laugh at the end.

Congratulations! You have a healthy Roy.

Failing to Fail

As mentioned, I’ve been busy writing the last while. Unfortunately, it’s been mostly fruitless attempts to email editors and contacts for publishing writing or pitching ideas. Caffeine, which makes living among other humans possible, has been the fuel needed to persevere. I wrote a review of a concert I went to (Big Wreck) and found no takers….not even as a free finished piece complete with photos. It’s been a lot of dead ends and rejection. Even my article on travelling in China met rejection and silence before finally being picked up by Wicked Travel Tips.

http://www.wickedgoodtraveltips.com/2017/01/city-hopping-in-eastern-china-two-weeks-one-amazing-trip/

However despite the tough times, I have had a piece I wrote on beer accepted for publication with a Vancouver online magazine at the end of the month. I look forward to sharing it with you in my next blog post.

With all that failure I just wrote about, it’s pretty amazing that I keep doing this writing thing. Failure and the fear of failure can be very paralyzing. In recent years, there has been a lot of teaching and research into the concept of failure. It’s no longer perceived as such a bad or shameful thing. It is, in fact, very very human. To fail, we must be trying, reaching, pursuing, and if done right, learning.

It took me a long time to start this blog. I hesitated, I procrastinated, I doubted. Even now as I write my thirteenth blog post, it would be easy to call it a failure. I don’t have the one billion views that I expected or is needed to call this a success. The doubt and hesitation we have when stepping out of our comfort zone and putting ourselves out there is quite natural. It’s our brain protecting us from embarrassment, loss, ridicule, disappointment; i.e. failure. However, without taking that risk, we never realize what is possible for ourselves. Perhaps if we look at failure as a more positive concept, it will become easier to attempt things out of our comfort zone, to reach for new heights. Even as I write this, I have just sent an article to an editor who could easily tell me, “I can’t use this. It’s crap.” What will I do if that’s the response? Will I learn, grow, give up, or ignore? I could be like Marky Mark and say, “I don’t give a funky bunch!” or I could get back to the drawing board. I’m afraid.

On a side note, I don’t believe that reaching and striving for huge goals equals any more happiness than anyone who is more content in what they’re doing on a day to day basis. Happiness for me comes from within and appreciating what I have and can do….not necessarily from seeking achievement.

Health Tips

Here are some recent health tips I’ve come across and I thought I’d pass on…partly for amusement (not necessarily ones I’m advocating):

1. Never work overtime day shift after a night shift (working more than 12 hours in a row). You’ll become more forgetful than Dory on Jeopardy with Alan Trebek.
2. The best way to keep going when you’re really tired is to drink expresso.
3. Drinking coffee without caffeine is as pointless as beer without alcohol, cell phones without internet, and jobs that don’t pay.
4. More fresh vegetables. Less fresh fentanyl.

Choose the ones that work for you in your life and leave the rest.

Here’s the usual ending amusement… or jokes if you will. The third and last one requires some knowledge of nursing care. However, too much knowledge means that you’ll know there’s a much dirtier version of that joke (dirty as in disgusting) that I chose not to put on here. Sometimes I have to keep it clean. Enjoy.

I’m excited to announce I will be writing an extensive review on a series of new wines coming out soon. Here is a sample of some of the work I’ve done so far: 

Coming out in 2017, this delicious Pregno – Noir actually increases your chances of conceiving. Containing progesterone and estrogen with a moderate amount of alcohol (to keep your baby just a little buzzed at conception), this wine will help you grow your family: Gullible 2016, available at all local liquor stores.

A delicious blend of Merlot and Cabernet Savignon, this 2016 wine has just 35 calories per bottle. It fits nicely into any weight loss program. Delusion Mer-low Cal 2016 is available at all local liquor stores and all grocery stores in the country.

After the success of Wayne Gretzky Wine and Kevin O’Leary Wine, Donald Trump has entered the wine market. With grapes picked by the finest grape pickers in the land, this wine has a sense of superiority in its taste and labelling. Nobody makes wine better than Donald. Believe him! This wine is best when cellared in underground tunnels and bunkers. Unfortunately, there are no reds or rosès. Whites only.

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“I love Hotline Bling by Drake”

“The original is better.”

“The original?”

“♫You used to, used to…You used to call me on my land line…. ♫”

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 Nurse: “I checked on the patient and he was painting furiously on everything. He was painting pictures on the walls, on the table, and even on himself. Doctor, what should I do?”

Doctor: “Don’t worry about it. He’ll be fine. He’s just having an art attack.”

That’s three blog posts in one month which is not bad considering how it all started in June with a once a month-ish mandate. I find sometimes my pesky nursing career gets in the way of my writing leaving you blog readers to suffer. Well, suffer no more. Blog Post #12 is here!

My wife and I had a great trip to Bellingham last week. No Trump talk; just food, beer, and shopping. Beyond Borders: We bought beers, brew bites, and bacon burgers at Boundary Bay Brewing in Bellingham. Bay bat bree bimes bast (just read that to my wife and she shook her head and said, “No.”… so I’ll leave that as is). Anyway, it was nice to get away for a bit. Bedside nursing can be very mentally taxing and taking care of yourself must be a priority. From exercise and eating right to relaxation and time for yourself, it’s important to focus on what your needs are. I think that goes for anything in life really. If you don’t take care of you, there’s always someone or something that will take your time, energy, and capacity for working with little care or thought about how you’re doing and what your best interests are.

Last week saw me twist my knee slightly. I just went to turn and felt a sharp jolt. No structural issues and able to work and workout. I injured my knee as little as is possible and still call it an injury. Turns out that my improved posture (last week’s blog post) is changing how my feet, knees, and hips function. It will take some time for my body to get used to the changes. I went to my physiotherapist who said that my IT Band is tight causing some knee alignment/tracking issues. He gave me some stretches and exercises and I’m feeling way better already. There was a time when injuries really got me down. I didn’t look at them as a part of things and the chance to get better or stronger. Instead I looked at them as a setback that stopped me from doing what I wanted. Now, after a short period of frustration, I get on with doing what I can do (safely) and use the opportunity to get better in other areas (e.g. workout the upper body more). The real lesson is focus. After something bad happens (or good), what do you focus on? I now focus on what I can do and not what I can’t do. Appreciating what we have instead of what we don’t have can make for a much happier life and way of being. It took me a long time to learn that lesson.

When things aren’t going well, it can be very easy to focus on the negative and look at it as the glass is half empty. When it feels like you’re carrying a tonne of the world’s problems on your shoulders, Remember that the mass is half M.T. (metric tonne). * head-shaking wife so SAVE!

In all seriousness, appreciating what we have and what we can do can make a big difference to how we see the world and how we live day to day. I appreciate having the ability to write this blog …and sometimes even having other people read it.

As always, here’s the ending/joke story. These things have taken on a life of their own. Friends and co workers are often commenting on this joke, that story, or some comment from the blog. Some of my friends, when I’ve made plans to meet up with them, are reading my blog in hopes of avoiding that awkward moment when I inevitably ask them, “hey, have you read my blog?” I should stop that and appreciate the opportunity to write it. Here’s a weird true story and bonus add-on joke.

My wife and I were at a hockey game. After the first period ended, she went to the washroom and found a very long line up going all the way out to the concourse. So she got in line and started waiting. Then two guys got into the line up behind her. One guy said to the other, “This is a long line up. It must be for something good.”

After a bit of time and the line slowly moving the other guy said to my wife, “Do you know what this line up is for?”

She replied, “Yeah, it’s for the women’s washroom.”

The guy looked at her blank and turned to his friend and said, “See! I knew it would be for something good.”

 

Bonus Add On Joke.

This sentence has been removed by The Internet due to inappropriate content.

Blog Post #11 is here and ready to entertain. I’m happy to say that I have returned to health, am back working, working out, and eating right. I’ve also been working on a number of new writing projects and hope to share them soon.

Each time I go to write a blob post, I always doubt if it will work and whether it will be fun and/or funny. Then it’s like I switch a flip in my brian and it turns out better than I could have hoped for (full of cheesy ridiculous stupidness). So let’s do that again. Blog Post #10 was very well received. It seems there’s sympathy for the man cold……from other men anyway. The ending story was also quite popular. If you didn’t get the Bonus Add On joke, it wasn’t for you. My wife didn’t get it at all while my brother in law phoned me in hysterics about how good it was. Glad you enjoyed it, Mark.

Random Thoughts: Time is an interesting concept that some people say doesn’t even really exist or exists only in our mind. I read a sign last week that said’ “If you’re not doing what you love, you’re wasting your time.” What about money? That’s another interesting concept that mostly exists in the mind. Money seems to be so emotional for some of us as we equate it with freedom, power, security, and success. It has value because us humans have given it value. It’s like gold. Why is gold valuable? You can’t eat it, you don’t build a home out of it (most of us anyway), and you can’t wear it to keep you warm. However, you can use it to kill your meddlesome brother who’s hindering your ascension to the throne (only a few will get that). It proves that value really does come from our interpretation and the meaning we give to things. Interesting.

Speaking of money, we now sit one day away from Donald Trump taking over the United States of America. History does repeat itself and we learn so little. Let’s party like it’s 1934, ugh. Oh, the ominousness of it all.

Posture has been a focus for me the last couple of weeks. I’m working with a physiotherapist and massage therapist. I’m finding that many niggling injuries from the gym and work are from my poor form and posture. Like many of us, I slouch a lot. I have my shoulders roll forward, and continually have my neck and head extended. Computers, cell phones, and lazy habits are causing many of us to have poor posture and the subsequent health issues that go along with that. So now, fully conscious of my issues, I have been engaging my core, chest out, standing tall (imagine pulling a string at your neck that straightens your spine) with my head back and tucked, and my ears level with my shoulders. It feels odd. I feel like a peacock with my head held high saying “look at me!” I look like a meerkat on watch duty, “Hey, there’s a tiger!” Everyone tells me that I’ll get used to it and it will feel natural after a while. I hope so. It’s also quite exhausting on the muscles that aren’t used to working. There’s a definite connection between self image (confidence) and posture. I’m working on both and it’s been very challenging.

It’s a shorter post this time. It’s the only way to post more often. I’m off to the U.S next week for some R&R and to have one last look before the wall goes up. The usual original ending joke is here and it’s about something that doesn’t exist. I know that the stories were popular but I don’t have one this time. It’s not easy coming up with original jokes and it takes a lot of time. I’m guessing Mark isn’t going to call me about this one. Enjoy.

A company was having trouble with employees showing up late for work. The manager was very unhappy and needed to discuss it with the assistant manager.            

Manager: “We need to schedule a staff meeting. The first item on the agenda: People showing up on time!!”

Assistant Manager: “Maybe we should make it the last thing on the agenda.”

It’s Blog Post #10. Already? I’m trying to write more often and put posts up a little more frequently than when I first started. The answer to the “trick question” from Blog Post #9 is both Leonard Cohen and George Michael had a song called, “I’m Your Man.” On another note regarding Blog Post #9, the Vancouver Canucks went on a six game winning streak. My best guess is that they got angry and motivated after reading my prediction that they weren’t going to win the Stanley Cup in 2017.

And this short self promotion post begins now:

Last week saw me again post to my workplace (Vancouver Coastal Health) blog. You can read the post here:

http://vchblogs.ca/humour-healthcare-prepare-offended/

I’ve had a lot of great feedback on this one. If you’re a regular reader of my blog, many of the jokes and stories were not new. I tried to take some of the funniest jokes and stories from my blog and incorporate them into my blog post about humour for Vancouver Coastal Health. Check out the comments below the post. Like my blog, not everybody is a fan. I know you can’t please everyone and there’s always room for a different point of view.

This week saw my first travel article published. You can check it out here.

http://www.wickedgoodtraveltips.com/2017/01/city-hopping-in-eastern-china-two-weeks-one-amazing-trip/

Again, I used excerpts and ideas from my blog to craft the article  which gives readers tips on travel in China. It was nice to have my photos included in the post.

Aside from the published writing, it’s been a tough start to 2017. I have been fighting a cold which led to missing my workouts, eating too much (I get extra hungry when I’m sick….weird I know), missing work, and binge watching Letterkenny. For those who don’t know Letterkenny, it’s a comedy about a small Ontario town. It’s cheesy, stupid, and ridiculous! Anyone know when Season 3 starts? It’s not for me. I’m asking for a friend. So pitter patter, let’s get at ‘er.

My wife doesn’t do sick right. She continues to function. She works, works out, runs errands….she finds a way to keep going. Myself, on the other hand….I set up camp on the couch. I don’t shower for four days because a shower can make you feel better and then it becomes more difficult to keep the pity party going. Science has shown that the Man-Cold is a real phenomenon deserving of sympathy and respect. As I understand it, male testosterone and cooty receptor 4939 binds to the cold virus to produce FLED (Function-Limiting Energy Depletion) making regular daily activities impossible for the man affected. I predict that science will discover that FLED not only affects the brain and body of men but also causes a temporary shutting down of the soul.

Disclaimer: There is no cooty receptor 4939, FLED does not exist, and there is no evidence of a soul.

“I don’t have a soul. You don’t have a soul. There’s no such thing as a soul!” –Bart Simpson

The story at the end of Blog Post #9 was quite popular…or maybe everyone was just happy that it replaced the usual cheesy ending joke (although it was a joke of sorts). So with the masses having spoken, I again have a story-joke to end the blog post. It comes from a conversation I had with my wife’s grandparents, Al and Jean. They’re both in their 90s living independently. This year, they will celebrate their 70^th wedding anniversary. Let that sink in for a moment. Anyway, one day I was visiting them and they began asking some interesting questions. I had to think on my feet. Enjoy.

Al: “Roy, you’re a nurse. You could take out an appendix, right?”

Me: “No. I can’t do that. I have a licence and there are regulations which guide what I can do.”

Jean: “Yes but you have the knowledge and skill that if you were in a situation where you had to and/or there weren’t rules against it, you could do it?

*Now I had to really think. In an emergency, could I take out an appendix? If it was the zombie apocalypse and there was no one else who could do it, would I?

Me: “Yeah, I could take out an appendix….the person would bleed out all over table but I’d get it out.”

*Everyone laughed a little but I wasn’t done.

Me: “I’d dig around in there, reach in, and pull it out raising it way above my head in triumph yelling ‘ I got it. I GOT IT!!’…Hey why is this appendix beating?”

Bonus add-on joke (that few people will get)

Me: “And then I’d start chanting, ‘kalimaa…. Kalimaa…. KALIMAAA!’ ”